Guess who’s back?

After a 5+ year hiatus I am utilizing my laptop for something other than the Sims 4 to give Bachelor recaps another shot. After many failed attempts, I could not find a way to bring back to life my previous blog. So, like the glorious Phoenix tattoo that rises from Ben Affleck’s butt crack, I too must start anew. I know that we are in a different time. When I started writing these recaps in 2016 there were a total 20 people who were still active on Facebook that I could rely on reading this trash. Now there might be 5. Everyone is on the TikTok these days, obsessed with their short form content where they thrift grandma clutter decor, do houseplant hauls and rank their favorite non-toxic house cleaners. Not I, my friends. I will be here – spending way too much time, energy, and effort into recapping an only somewhat entertaining reality TV dating show, with tanking viewership, that might be in its most boring, irrelevant era yet. Why? Because like most people who go on this show, I too am a masochist who likes attention. (Note: apologies in advance for any sloppiness and/or typos in these first few recaps. I am still getting my bearings and just getting things published is my main goal right now. All will improve as I get back into my groove.)

That being said, let’s jump into Episode 1.

MEET BACHELOR ZACH

I’d like preface this by saying that I haven’t watched the Bachelor since Pilot Pete’s season, so, give or take 3 years. I don’t know these people. Which shouldn’t be an issue because it doesn’t seem like anyone knows much about our newest Bachelor – Zach Shallcross. It’s hard for even the network to give us interesting information about him. Case and point when host Jesse Palmer, who I also don’t know (RIPish to Chris Harrison who dug his own grave), opens the show by saying “You might think you know Zach, but did you know he was a DJ in college?” as if that is something unique or exciting. 80% of frat guys I knew in college were aspiring DJs and I went to Northern Arizona University. Another fun fact – he was in a rock band in 7th grade. A modern-day equivalent to Beethoven, this guy.

Zach says he’s new to this and needs advice, so here comes the old welcome wagon. There are three things certain in life – Death, Taxes and Sean Lowe getting his annual paycheck to tell the new Bachelor on how to properly date 30 women on national TV. Two points I’d like to make about Sean here: 1) he has never looked hotter and 2) he would rather be anywhere else. Zach goes into a spiel on how he wants a relationship that’s modeled after his parents “They have been together for 30 plus years and hardly ever fight,” how they have a “perfect healthy marriage,” and “just got an RV to travel around together.” It’s at about this point where you actually see Sean yearn for the sweet release of death instead of listening to Zach.

Sean tells Zach that night one of his own Bachelor journey he wouldn’t have pegged that his current wife Catherine would’ve been the one he ended up wife-ing up. He didn’t even know she was top contender until halfway. I hope they included that in the “About Us” of their wedding website. Zach says he always looks for the spark, but with that advice, he will keep an eye out for the slow burners.

Sean calls Zach “a nice guy”. I am strong proprietor that there’s no compliment that sucks worse than “nice.” One time a guy I was dating called me “nice” whilst describing me and I knew he wasn’t the one for me at that moment. The checkout person at Trader Joe’s is nice. I would rather be called an absolute nightmare than nice, at least that means I made an impact.

Sean tells the camera that he was the most shirtless Bachelor in history and that he’s ready to pass on the torch onto Zach. Mostly because he realizes that Zach does not have a lick of personality going for him, so we need SOMETHING to remember him by, even if it’s a secondhand title. Of course, the next scene is a full minute of Sean rubbing Zach’s chest in the shower and instructing him how to show off his abs. At this point in my notes app I wrote “This is going to be a long f*cking season.”

MEET SOME OF THE GIRLS

It’s time now for to meet some of the ladies at their own homes. Typically, the ones they highlight go quite far in the competition.

First, we meet Bailey who is an executive recruiter (sames). She is one of the few girls who met Zach the night of his Bachelor reveal at the After the Final Rose special for the last season of The Bachelorette. She gave him a riddle to remember her name “On the daily, I’m going to be thinking of Bailey”. When Jesse later asks him, on LIVE television, if he remembered any of the girls’ names, he says, “I couldn’t forget Baylen”. Great start. She says she doesn’t date to just date – she’s ready to find love and get married.

Next, we are introduced Katherine a registered nurse who also doesn’t date just to date. That must be on the Bachelor Contestant questionnaire. She basically says she was excited that Zach was selected as Bachelor because he’s hot. I am still debating if I find Zach hot. I mean, he isn’t ugly, but he’s not groundbreaking in the looks department – very angular face. He is 6’4″ though, which by law makes any man somewhat attractive.

Then we have Christina who is a Nashville-based content creator, which is on the same level of predictably of finding out Zach was a DJ in college. From the moment I saw her I knew she was going to a lot. She’s sitting pool side with a cocktail in hand, in a bright colored romper, huge earrings and a sun hat. She starts twirling and I am convinced this is just B-roll for one of her sponsored Instagram Reels. She also has a 5-year-old daughter who said she wants to work with her mommy when she grows up. Unbeknownst to the daughter, she already does work for mommy every time she has to take mommy’s thirst trap photos during her bikini hauls #childlabor #allegedly. She states she likes Zach because he’s tall.

Next up in the montage is Charity who is a schoolteacher. She seems like a delightful person and is beautiful, but her smile looks so strained and uncertain.

Our next introduction is a real piece of work – Greer, the medical rep, who doesn’t know how to open a champagne bottle, nor how to drink champagne out of a glass because she chokes on it and spills it all over herself. She is giving me some unhinged energy – in a way that some would find fun, and others would find intolerable (I think I am falling under the latter). She says “Greer is bold. Greer doesn’t take shit. But Greer is very kind” that’s unfortunately a word for word quote.

Then we meet Briana who is another one of the ladies who met Zach at ATFR and she was given the “America’s First Impression Rose”. This is a new thing where apparently the audience got to vote live during the introductions and pick their favorite girl on stage to get the rose. She owns her own beauty company because she doesn’t like to work for others.

Finally, we have Kaity, who is in a Cinderella dress for a reason that is never expanded on but I assume it’s to imply she is ready to meet her Prince Charming. This is a red flag for me. She is a travelling ER nurse who lives in Austin, which is where Zach also lives. She does have a moment I appreciated when she let us know her last boyfriend was a cheater then proceeded to walk up to a trash can and said, “I didn’t think my ex would be here.”

LIMO ENTRANCES

Zach arrives at the mansion and meets Jesse Palmer. Jesse’s a good-looking man, but I think we can all agree – he has a lot of teeth happening.

The first limo arrives and all the ladies scream/screech “ZAAACH!!!” and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

Jess – She is cute, but looks so young. Probably because she’s only 23, but she’s also wearing a light pink princess gown that I think is vintage from the costume department of 10 Things I Hate About You. Also, she’s wearing a ton of body glitter and is shimmering in the lights of the Bachelor Mansion. Zach said it’s a good start and that she’s very pretty. “Pretty? This is the skin of a killer, Zach.”

Ariel – Her flight was cancelled, her luggage broke, and her dress tore, but none of that could stop her from coming on this show to get those five minutes of fame…I mean to meet Zach.

Davia – She brought champagne which I highly respect. However, she brought champagne glasses and not chambongs, so she loses points there. She then loses additional points by not pouring the champagne into the glasses at a proper angle thus creating an immense amount of bubbles. Amateur hour.

Gabi – she’s from Vermont, so she made him drink maple syrup. He hated it.

Greer – her nipples are a centimeter away from popping right out of that red dress, they look great though. She brought him authentic Starbucks hot coffee all the way from New York. Says it’s piping hot, just like him. A lot of ingestibles back-to-back. His poor tummy.

Madison – from North Dakota. Says “ooofta” – I love anyone who is aggressively Midwest.

Anastasia – Walks out in a power suit. She looks like and gives off the general energy of Jan from The Office, so that’s how I will be referring to her moving forward.

Cat – Professional dancer. Also met Zach at ATFR – a lot of energy and expression with this one. She says, “oh my god, you remember me?” Yes, sweetie. After he couldn’t remember the name of the girl who gave him a fool proof jingle on national TV, all he has been doing is studying the names religiously. She starts saying “Gabagabagool” for no apparent reason?

Bailey – Speaking of Balen, she walks out of the limo. Looks like a dime. They talk for about a second then he just… kisses her on the mouth? Like full on makes out with her? As an apology for forgetting her name on live television?

Kaity – Walks out of the limo and Zach asks her what her name is immediately, which is a sign that he is VERY into her. She says she’s from Austin too and after looking at him (particularly just staring directly at his crotch) she can confirm everything is bigger in Texas. As she walked away he said, “Wow that was a really good entrance.” Zach loves a good d*ck joke, don’t we all.

Katherine – wearing a spicy brown dress. She is also a nurse. Asked Zack to SPF her, at night. He sprayed her face. Would’ve been bolder to go straight for her boobies.

Kylee – Came out of the limo yelling into a megaphone. Again, also a nurse. How does our nation’s medical system run efficiently during a season of a Bachelor? Imagine going into labor and you arrive at the hospital and they’re like “Sorry, you’ll have to wait to be admitted. Half of our staff have taken PTO to make out with a mediocre man on a reality TV show and there’s no way they’re coming back. Here’s a towel and a leather strap, good luck.”

Lekha – Asked Zach to bend down then LICKED HIS EAR then said, “I licked it so it’s mine.” Gross. Didn’t even make it into a fun pun like “I lekha’ed it so it’s mine.”

Holland – says to Zach “Last season you went on a date in Holland. I think the reason things didn’t work out is because you were in the wrong Holland.” AAYYY-OH.

Mercedes – didn’t come out of a limo, instead she walked up to the mansion with a full-grown pig named Henry in tow. She’s a pig farmer. I love Henry.

Christina – the content creator showed up in a party bus because why wouldn’t she. I have to admit her bright Barbie pink dress is stunning. Zach seems to immediately vibe with her as well.

More beautiful women flood out of the limos, but none of them said or did anything fun.

Briana – last to arrive. Showed up with America’s First Impression Rose in hand and sporting a red off the shoulder dress with applique of red roses. Definitely a statement piece. She told Zach “I know I already have a rose, but I want to let you know I am not here for roses. I am here for your heart.” A little corny, but fine.

MIX AND MINGLE

Inside the mansion, Christina approaches Briana at the bar and says “Congratulations. Your rose is still alive? That’s exciting, and your dress is covered in ROSES? Ok really this is rigged.” Then Briana responds, “I had no idea. I swear.” and Christina is like “I know. I know. You look beautiful.” and then Briana tries to give her a compliment on the pink dress until Christina interrupts her with, “I hate you.” What a lovely interaction.

Zach walks into the room to see his harem of 30 women and says he’s overwhelmed by how beautiful everyone is. He goes into the same spiel that he did earlier with Sean about his parents being #BFFS4LYFE and he wants that same relationship. He also states that he likes family, football and pizza. Riveting stuff.

Katherine in her spicy brown dress is the first to steal Zach away. She says that bringing up his parents being besties resonates with her because she also wants a partner who is her friend first. Which is a nice sentiment and all, but this man is a total stranger who will be busy dating you and many other women over the course of several weeks. Any conversation you do have together will be on camera during manufactured scenarios, so it’s a little difficult to gain a true friendship in this situation. She also asks Zach if he’s “kind of weird and goofy” and he’s like “OMG totally. The last thing I want is something professional.” And with that statement, I fear for Jan from The Office (aka Anastasia) in her power suit.

Kaity immediately asks Zach how he is feeling and is rubbing down his arm reassuringly. A lot of eye contact happening. She tells him “I feel so lucky to stand beside you,” then they kiss passionately. Took all of about 30 seconds.

Christina the content creator takes Zach onto her party bus for a fun game of “This or That” – which she has created with self-drawn flash cards showing things like: “ocean or beach” (Zach chose beach, she chose mountains), “dinosaurs or dragons” (well one doesn’t exist, so) “kiss me or nah” (they make out). Madison of the great state of North Dakota makes the executive decision to hi-jack the stripper bus and a dance party ensues.

Next, we go into another game and perhaps the most disturbing scene I’ve seen on this franchise. Cat wants to play “How many meatballs can you stick in your mouth?” You guys… when I say I audibly gagged while watching this I am not being dramatic. Thier mouths were wide open as they shoved in meatballs – there was so much sauce in their teeth. They wouldn’t stop talking… with several meatballs lodged in their mouths. She kept shoving them in, but also was chewing them at the same time. I hate it here.

Cut to a talk over confessional of Zach saying “I can’t believe how great tonight has been” – sir, what? You just had meat shoved down your gullet. MY night has been ruined.

It’s Briana’s turn for some one-on-one time with Zach and she let him know, again, “Just because I have a rose already, I am still going to give effort.” I mean, we would all hope so, Briana, but thank you for clarifying. She then asks him to tell her more about him and all he says is, “Just a regular guy who lives in Austin and wants to find his forever person.” BOOOOOOO ZACH. GIVE US NOTHING! Then I could’ve sworn that Briana said she wants The NOT America’s First Impression rose? Even though she already has The America’s First Impression Rose…she wants to double rose? What kind of power does that give one in the Bachelor Nation Multiverse? They kiss as well.

Host Jesse walks into the living room and drops off The NOT America’s First Impression Rose for Zach to give out tonight to his favorite Sister Wife. Tensions and anxiety rise. Time is of the essence. Anyone who has a mouth and a pulse needs to get out there and kiss Zach ASAP if they’d like to live to see another day.

Genevie brings a baby doll out for Zach to change. At first it seemed weird, but then we are reminded she’s a prenatal nurse. They, shockingly, do not make out.

It’s around this time that I thought “Wtf happened to that pig from earlier?” I haven’t seen it since the limo entrances. I don’t think the Bachelor mansion is conducive for a farm animal. HENRY, ARE YOU OK?

Greer and Zach sit down, and the slit of her dress is so high that you can see her hoo-ha while they’re talking about their parent’s marriages. I’m sure she’s wearing underwear or shapewear, but it was still hard to miss. She grew up in Texas in a city that wasn’t Austin, but she did make a PowerPoint when she was a child to convince her parents to move to Austin because she wanted to live there. It must not have been that great of presentation as the move did not occur (my guess is she used the shooting star transition too much), but the effort was enough for Zach to be impressed and say, “I kind of want to kiss you?” and then they went at it. All the girls in the distance are just watching them make out for at least a minute.

Madison of the great state of North Dakota is thirsty for a kiss of her own, and during her one-on-one time with Zach she is not subtle about it. She immediately starts touching his face as soon as they sit down, and I have to say that Zack does not seem to be feeling it. She brings him a scarf because it’s cold in North Dakota and he’s like “I am probably going to get too hot wearing it here.” She gives him a kiss on the cheek, and he could not get away from her fast enough.

Then things go really off the rails… Madison, insecure that she didn’t make the most out of her time with Zach, interrupts his time with another girl who she noticed was receiving more attention and touching than she did. So. Cringy. All the other girl’s watch in horror over Madison’s attempt to seduce Zach, which includes a weird dance where they make rabbit ears on their head then hop around that’s called “Gritty” (I know that description doesn’t make sense, but that’s what was occurred on the TV screen.) She then forces a kiss onto Zach, which was described as a “subpar peck.” Zach says in a confessional, wincing, “it didn’t feel right.” This leads Madison to have a stage 5 meltdown in the front of the mansion. She just wants to be wanted and is so embarrassed. I was feeling for her until she said she, “Gave up so much to be here” – what? You’ve been here for maybe 6 hours, Mads. Yes, you probably had to take some time off work and bought some new dresses, but I have a feeling that you won’t be needing as much time off as you planned, and you can ship return all those dresses to Revolve by tomorrow.

Now Holland is also crying somewhere because she’s at least 7 glasses of champagne deep and is panicking because she hasn’t had a chance to talk to Zach yet. The commune is spiraling.

Zach talks to Jess, the 23-yo fairy princess, who tells him she thinks he’s cute and she’s appreciative that when they met he bent down to talk to her because that was comforting. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here for conversation topics. He also makes out with her. I do appreciate that this is his only validation technique – “We talk. Went well. Kiss to let woman know it went well.”

Zack then picks up the rose. With the marinating saliva of at least 10 girls still fresh on his palette, he takes a moment to try to determine which one is his favorite. He then asks to talk again with Greer. I audibly sigh. Once they sit down, she talks about how flattered she feels and is happy that the connection she felt wasn’t one sided. I was trying to determine why I don’t like Greer (besides the fact that she talked in third person about herself) and I think it’s because she reminds me of Amber from season 1 of Love is Blind, both in looks and personality. You’re going to be shocked by this, but Greer and Zach then make out some more.

Cut to Madison, crying, again. Not just crying, sobbing, over not getting the first impression rose. She says “I don’t know what he wants. How can I sit through a rose ceremony?” Maybe you can because that’s the whole concept of this show, Madison – to not know how he’s feeling and see if he likes you via rose ceremony. Taking matters into her own hands she interrupts Jesse Palmer and Zach while they’re having the pre-rose ceremony bro-down hype up chat. I was hoping that this moment was just going to be Madison saying, “Listen, it seems like you’re not into me and I cannot take the pressure, so I am going to bounce. Thanks for the open bar.” But no, she holds his hands and tells him that she wants him to tell her to her face right now if he wants her on this journey. OOFta (but an emphasis on the OOF). No surprise, he sends her ass home. She’s walks through the mansion driveway crying as the sun starts to rise on the horizon. She says, “I can’t believe I gave up my life for him,” Again, Mads, it was ONE night, but I do appreciate the histrionics. And just like that she goes to the idling sprinter van and out of our lives. Thank you for your service, Madison. This first episode would’ve been even more boring than it already was if it weren’t for you.

We are now finally getting to the rose ceremony. It looks like it’s broad daylight outside, at least 7 AM – the women are running on fumes. Zach gives them all the ~shocking~ news that Madison is no longer with us, and he wishes the best of luck to the other losers who are going to be sent home and will have to share the ride to the airport with her.

And the roses go to…

1. Christina the content creator. Not surprised, but disappointed.
2. Charity
3. Bailey fka Baylen
4. Jess and her body glitter
5. Genevie and her fake baby
6. Davia
7. Aly
8. Brooklyn
9. Kaity
10. Jan from The Office aka Anastasia
11. Kylee
12. Gabi
13. Katherine and her spicy brown dress
14. Mercedes, but not her pig Henry because he’s still MIA. #WHEREISHENRY #JUSTICE4HENRY
15. Ariel
16. Victoria J
17. Kimberly
18. And the final rose goes to… Cat, Queen of Meatballs

The girls are hugging and crying about who was sent home, but I think they might just be drunk and exhausted. As am I after having to watch and recap this.

Some of the girls sent home include Lekha, who licked Zack’s ear the moment she met him, and Holland, who is crying in the driveway about how she’s ready for a commitment.

The remaining 20 ladies and Zach cheers and drink their 7 AM mimosa sans the orange juice, living to see another day.

That’s it for episode 1. Hope you enjoyed the recap.

Have a great week, and even if you don’t have a great week, just take comfort that you’re probably doing better than Madison was night one in the Bachelor mansion.