Alright, alright – back-to-back late Bachelor recaps because I am a subpar blogger. But like the CycleBar instructor said this morning, “What’s most important is that you show up, try and get better every day.” Did I end up crying on a stationary bike? Yes, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s jump into episode 2…

We start off with all the girls excitingly running into the Bachelor Mansion as if they’ve never been there before and I am confused. Weren’t they literally just there 5 hours ago when the rose ceremony wrapped up at 7 AM? Was that a different house? What is going on? I don’t have enough energy or desire to find out, so we are moving on.

Zach is shown showering and Sean Lowe, wherever he is, gets a royalty check.

Host Jesse Palmer corrals all the girlies into the living room to get the 4-1-1 on how everyone is feeling. Jesse lets them know that Zach feels strongly that his wife is in this very room. Truely some astonishing, breaking news for this program. There will be three dates this week – two group dates and a one-on-one date. The producers worked quickly to set up a second group date last minute because they saw how dull as a doorknob Zach was night one and they needed as much footage as possible.

The first group date will be with Briana, Brooklyn, Katherine, Mercedes, Bailey, Davia, Cat, Genevieve and Kylee. The date card says – “I’m looking for big, big love.” Katherine makes a comment about being excited because it’s “my first date and his first date, we are leaving the house.” Even though she literally just got to the house.

For the group date they arrive at a sound stage lot. They all scream and run into a building with a runway. “Big Energy” plays on the speakers and the rapper Latto appears on the stage. Says she’s, “Taking over the date and is look for some bad bitch energy.” Shortly after, the doors of the stage open and the Bachelor we know and loathe appears. Latto gives us the education that a lot of people think that bad bitch energy is about appearance, but it isn’t. It’s also about confidence. Here’s a picture of Latto and Zach on the date to show you how excited she was to be there –

First on the agenda is to have a dance party with Zach and his collective group of girlfriends. Bailey drops it low on him high school style and Cat hits the splits. Zach’s dance moves are as vanilla as he is, bless him.

The dance party ends, and Latto says they won’t be the only ones on this date. They need to bring in some more bad bitches. The doors open and out walks Victoria F (the ex of some of country’s finest such as Chase Rice and former Farmer Bachelor Chris Soules), Courtney (who I do not know) and Tahzjuan (who I also do not know). They’re basically like “We don’t know Zach, but we are here to help him and judge you guys because we were promised $500, a Collagen powder sponsorship, and airtime.”

This only means one thing – it’s time for a good, old-fashioned walk-off. I am trying to think of what would I do if I were in this situation what would I do on the catwalk? With one shot, one opportunity. To cease everything I ever wanted. One moment. To capture… I don’t think I would have enough time to learn the Magic Mike “Pony” dance, but if there were a pair of knee pads around, I would give it my best effort.

Cat of course came out prowling on the ground in cat ears. Seeing that she is a professional dancer I would’ve thought she’d have something a bit more impactful.

Genevie came out abs blazing and a rhythmic gymnastics ribbon (which I know of thanks to Lizzie McGuire). She gave the wand a twirl and almost choked Zach when the ribbon got wrapped around his neck.

In my notes at this point I put, “I want someone to Carrie Bradshaw face plant.”

Kylee the nurse comes out with some killer dance moves and a kiss.

Briana came out with a money gun and a chair and gave Zach a little lap dance. Everyone was very jealous she had that idea first.

After the walk out finished, Latto instructs all the girls that they need to go on stage and tell Zach (plus Latto, the random judges, and the 10 other women on this date) a time in their life when they were a real bad bitch. I should’ve made a drinking game that every time someone said bad bitch, but I think everyone would need to have their stomach pumped by this point, so it’s probably for the best. All the girls take some time to dig into their personal trauma and choose a story that will make an impact. I would tell Zach about that I am a bad bitch for having the time and patience to attempt recapping his boring season into something somewhat entertaining.

Kylee had a great story about how she has naturally curly hair and that growing up she did pageants, but it was frowned up to have naturally curly hair. She still competed with her hair as is and ended up winning the damn thing. Yass queen.

Briana talks about how she used her own money to start her beauty company.

Bailey says that her bad bitch moment is leaving Tennessee for the only “Ten I see” and I am confused. Is she really saying that she is a bad bitch for going on a reality tv show for clout and the slim possibility of a husband? Please.

Brooklyn made him take a tequila shot then kissed him. I would’ve thrown up.

None of these girls seem to have understood the assignment besides Kylee, and maybe Briana.

Despite the group giving nothing, Latto gives them all “Bad Bitch Approval” and that wraps up this portion of the date. And I am just sitting here wondering, why the hell did we have judges when there’s no winner? My girl Kylee worked her ass up there and deserves a cash prize or at the very least an extra make out session with Zach during the cocktail hour. Why did we need to waste Latto’s + these Bachelor Nation washups’ time?

Bad Bitch Judge Tahzjuan tells the cameras that these girls can’t even compete, she knows she is the baddest bitch in the room, and she is going to try to join Zach’s season. Again, I don’t know this woman, but I am welcoming of the mess.

We now move onto the after party which is at an… antique store?

Kylee says she wants to kiss Zach, “I live, eat and breathe for a make out session.” Literally me in my early twenties trolling the streets of Old Town Scottsdale. Put that quote on a doormat and sell it at Target.

Zach has personal time with Katherine, who tells him that she only dates intentionally and can see he does that too which makes it easier. I mean I personally wouldn’t peg someone contractually dating 20 other women besides you as intentionally dating, but you do you Katherine. They make out.

Briana tells the girls that it would be really special for her to get the group date rose because everyone else got their roses last week from Zach and are validated, but she got her rose from America. We then cut to a confessional of her saying that she went through a tough time the first night because she walked in unsure of her and Zach’s connection (you and literally everyone else because you all just met and/or barely met this man).

Briana and Zach then walk to have their chat at the antique show room. Zach asks how she’s doing, and she has her hands in her lap nervously. She tells him it’s been “really, really hard” and she starts crying about how coming into the mansion she didn’t have a support system and that she felt “rattled” when they spoke. Zach seems shocked and confused by this, and tbh so am I. She’s crying a lot and says to the camera during a confessional, “I felt that maybe I should’ve just gone home because maybe if I didn’t have the rose from America, Zach would care to have me stay here.” Listen, I understand being insecure and anxious, but this is seems very heavy for 2 days into this journey. That being said, I cried mid-workout this morning from an inspirational speech from my spin instructor, so who am I to judge. He validates that he’s impressed by her and that she’s here for a reason and that he doesn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or weird. She says that Brianna that was on stage at ATFR who fun, flirty and hugging him, is who she really is. Zach said he thought she also did really well on the stage today and he’s happy she’s here and they make out.

Back at the mansion the one-on-one date card has arrived and it’s going to… content creator Christina. She says she’s excited for this date so she can tell him she has a kid, because apparently she didn’t have a “stepchildren or no stepchildren” flash card during her This or That game in the stripper bus on night one.

Back at the romantic antique shop, Tahzjuan has arrived to f*ck shit up. She is so tall, so pretty and so intimidating. She also sounds just like Julia Styles. Tahzjuan struts in and interrupts Cat and Zach conversation to ask if she can steal him away for a minute.
Cat is shooketh to her core, but her botox will not let her fully emote –

Tahzj and Zach sit down, and she tells him she would be “remiss” if she didn’t pull him aside and “obviously bring the bad bitch energy and lay it out there.” She thinks he’s a great guy and she wants to throw herself into the mix. Zach is like, “That’s something new…and…interesting.” Ouch.

All the girls in the other room are fuming that this beautiful, scary Amazon woman is trying to come take their man, especially Katherine.

Zach tells Tahzj that he wants to consider all options and doesn’t want to hold off from anyone on this journey who could potentially be his future person, so he’ll have to think about it. Which felt like to me a deferred, but polite, no. Perhaps he needed to go talk to the producers and see if they could pull up some past footage of her so he can gauge if she’s his type. Can I see that footage too since I don’t know her either?

Zach walks off, then the entire group date goes to collectively confront Tahzjuan. She tells them straight up that she was here to judge the baddest bitch and none of them seemed to meet that level of bad bitchery. If I hear the term “bad bitch” again after watching this episode I will launch myself into the sun. She also says that watching the girls was “painful to watch.” Which is harsh but fair, except for Kylee, she was perfect.

The group date, including Tahzjuan, go back to the waiting room area. Tahzj can feel the tension and dares the girls to come at her. She brings up a valid point about it being a competition and they shouldn’t be so outraged, she says “You all can’t marry Zach, you do know that right? It’s going to get way harder from here.” Everyone goes quiet and Katherine is like, “Well, this is awkward.” and Tahzj is like “Is it though? I don’t feel awkward.” She is so confident and blunt, just on the cusp of being flat out rude, but I love it. I hope he keeps her around just for the drama alone. But I know that man is way too boring for that. Zach returns and asks to speak with Tahzjuan alone.

The girls on the date continue to freak out and spiral saying that if he chooses to keep her here it will go against everything he has said about being intentional and that it will “Show his character if he lets her stay.” Like what are they going to do, start a coup?

Zach comes back and lets them know that he’s yeeted Tahzj off camera and she will not be joining the house. Says “It’s just not the right time.” ? Sir, it’s night two. Didn’t Nick Viall hijack the seventh date in Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season and join? Just say that you don’t like her and/or she scares you – it’s ok to be honest. All the girls are giddy and relieved. Meanwhile, Tahzj is crying on an antique couch in the other room. She’s sad because everyone else figures it out and finds their person, but she never does. And I truly feel for her and want to give her a big hug.

Katherine gets the group date rose. Briana calls it a slap in the face.Kylee was robbed.

Now it’s time for Christina’s one-on-one date. I will relay my sentiment from week one that I am not a fan of Christina, but I am excited to see her load onto him that she has a kid. Zach pulls up in Bronco and they are off on their date. They are kissing while driving, and I know from a defensive driving course I took in 2013 that is NOT safe.

Zach discloses that his first concert was Nickelback and Christina says she “LOVES Nickelback.” Now, I myself appreciate and respect the sanctity of cock rock, and Chad Kroger and Co. are legends within the genre. However, after this comment Zach says that Christina is “free spirited and spicy,” and I just don’t feel like those are necessarily terms I would use to describe a person who loves Nickelback. Question for the reader: What’s your favorite Nickelback song? If your answer isn’t “Far Away” you are wrong.

They then load onto a helicopter and get a gorgeous view of the pollution over the LA skyline. This helicopter ride serves more of a purpose than just an opportunity to “be on cloud nine” – no, they have to travel down to Orange County so that they can attend Zach’s mom’s birthday party. I immediately think that this is going to be a dicey situation because it’s going to be hard for Christina genuinely meet his family without disclosing that she has a child. She’s nervous, and so am I.
Christina talks to Zach’s sister and cousins and they ask, “Did you know Zach was in a band?” Which we all know because Jesse Palmer told us in the first episode. It is absolutely insane to think that even in his own family that is also the most interesting piece of information they have to share about Zach. What does Zach even do for a living?

Ok, I just Googled what Zach and found out he’s only 26 (how did I miss that? He looks much older than 26), he’s a Tech Exec for Oracle (ok money) and he lives in Austin currently, but is originally from Anaheim. Did I just have a bit of an existential breakdown finding out that a Bachelor is 4 years my junior? Maybe.

Things get interesting when Zach’s mom pulls out the baby book. In Christina’s confessional she said it was hard to look at that without disclosing that she has a child she did that for as well. She says she has been waiting because she wanted to show him who she is before disclosing the part of her being a mother, which I think is strange because I feel like that would be a big part of who you are and why you’d want someone to like you, but I am also not a single mother, so what do I know.

Zach and Christina leave the party and have romantic dinner at Orange Coast Mining Co, a western-themed restaurant. Once they sit down Christina gets right into it telling Zach that she has big news and it’s that she has a 5-year-old daughter. He seems kind of taken aback for a second then remembers he’s on camera and smiles. He asks what her daughter’s name is, and she just mumbles “BlakehMeh” nervously. Even Zach doesn’t know what name she just said then it is clarified that the child’s name is Blakely May – still unclear if that is one full name or first and middle. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the name is spelt Blakeleigh Maeye. They take a big 5 second chug from their alcoholic beverages.

Zach smiles and thanks her for being honest, but he is not shy about conveying that this news scares the absolute sh*t out of him. He says that having a family is part of the future he envisions, but a stepchild introduces that timeline a lot faster than he expected (and internally hope for). It’s a whole different ballpark getting forcibly engaged with someone then breaking up with them after a 2-month long PR stunt when there’s a kid in the mix (as is Bachelor tradition). Zach tells her he’s feeling overwhelmed, and he’d be doing a disservice if he told her “We will get through this,” right now because he is trying to find his person and he is unsure in this moment if also wants that to include becoming a dad. As much as I don’t like Christina this is a difficult conversation to witness. You can tell how anxious she is and they’re both crying. It’s all very real. He ends things by saying that he was thrown off, but for the better, and he wants to get to know her more. He gives her the rose.

Now we move on to the final group date, and luckily it seems pretty chill which I am thankful for because I am exhausted after the first two. This date has a lot of girls in it that he didn’t get a chance to speak to the first night at the mansion, which makes me wonder how did he choose which girls to keep if he hadn’t spoken to them? Hotness? Credit score? Southwest Companion Pass Status?

First, Zach meets with Ariel who says she was “Really upset that she couldn’t talk with him the first night because she felt a connection coming out of the limo.” AKA she thought he was tall. She then has an activity where they write down their biggest fears in coming here. Ariel’s fear is “Being sent home without getting enough airtime, thus only getting 12,000 followers on Instagram” – Just kidding, her fear is getting her heart broken, but honestly it’s the same thing on this show. Her voice is very dead pan.
Zach’s biggest fear in being on the show is falling for someone who is not here to find a true best friend. Which is…such a bizarre answer to me. Like, imagine falling in love with someone and being like “I love you, but you are just my friend. I have enough best friends and you’re just not going to make the Myspace Top 8.” Like, has that happened to Zach before? Maybe it’s hard people to become best friends with Zach because he’s boring, so it’s like a rooted fear. And now I feel bad for him. Ariel’s other fear is not being kissed, so, he kisses her.

I hope everyone in this house understands the importance of kissing Zach. at this point. It doesn’t matter if he’s kissed literally 20 other women in the last 10 minutes – you will risk getting trench mouth or COVID. Heaven forbid any of these ladies get a cold sore or it’s going to get very messy.

Zach then sits down with Kaity who he is immediately all over. I said it in the last episode, but these two have some serious chemistry. I also need that emerald green wrap dress she is wearing. They barely say 2 words before they’re dry humping.

There’s a clip of him talking to Jan from the Office (aka Anastasia) who is once again is ssporting a blazer. Zach says she’s a “kick ass girl” and that he’d love to show her his 10-inch mounted plasma screen TV. I think I might also call her Janastasia.

Next, he meets with 23-year-old Jess, who is not wearing her Claire’s body glitter tonight. 23 is too young to be on this show. You’ve been of legal drinking age for 2 years – LIVE YOUR LIFE JESS. She then asks Zach to tell her something “unique” about him. And guys…I shit you not that his response to what is “unique” about him is that he almost died as a baby.

It’s a very touching story don’t get me wrong – he goes into how it gives him a sense of purpose, but, I feel it’s just such an intense, out of pocket answer to, “What is unique about you?” He probably originally gave the 7th grade band answer, but the producers told him that has been overused, so he was left with no other topic to turn to.

We cut to all the ladies on the group date waiting by the fire for their turn to hang with Zach and they’re all anxious messes between being worried about making the most of their time with him and everyone talking about kissing him. Charity suggests a grounding technique for the group – she tells them to “Find one thing you can taste” and Janastasia immediately blurts out “Tequila” – I am obsessed with her. Gabi says, “If you still can taste Zach’s saliva, don’t say it.”

Gabi’s plan going into her convo with Zach is wrapping “quirky, fun, here’s where I’m from, here’s where I am and deep stuff – all in one.” I am scared for this woman. She sits down with Zach and immediately goes a bit unhinged. She wants a nickname for him so she tries on the following, “Zacharieth. Zachy. Zachy Poo. Zachary.” Zach seems overwhelmed. Gabi only talks about herself the whole time, which is not surprising after hearing the game plan she mapped out. She realizes she just word vomited the whole time and is having immediate remorse.

Zach comes back to the group. It was a tough decision for him because he had some many great conversations and make outs, but he decides to give Jess the group date rose for effectively unpacking his trauma of overcoming death as a baby.

Zach leaves and Gabi is crying because she feels like her conversation wasn’t as good as everyone else’s and she wasn’t kissed, so she knows her ass might as well be grass. I’d like to shake her and say, “STOP ASKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS GABI, YOURE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF,” which is also my advice to any of these ladies. They all need to stay in their lane. Ignorance is bliss. But also, this show would be bad without everyone going a little crazy, so, carry on.

We finally come to rose ceremony night.

Zach gathers his sister wives in the foyer and does a quick debrief on what an exhausting yet fun week it was. He himself is feeling like bad bitch these days thank to Latto. Then he brings up how on their date Christina stepped up in a big way by meeting his family and everyone is shook and side eyes at this information. Christina’s like “Ummm, I didn’t tell anyone that, actually.” Awkward. Briana says she’s so shocked because she hasn’t even gotten a rose from Zach, but Christina got to meet his family.

Zach sits down with Gabi first because he wanted to check in on how she’s feeling. She says it’s hard because she feels like they’re a little behind in comparison to other connections, but she’s so excited by him and she’s grateful to be there. Zach says that he is giddy and gets butterflies with her, which is sweet, but I also think Jess said the same thing to him, word for word, during the group date. Gabi gives Zach the gift of peanut butter cups because she knows he loves them. They Lady and the Tramp a peanut butter cup – it goes about as well as you could imagine. Then they end up making out he puts his hands on her face which is a good sign. “I can still taste the peanut butter cup.”

Cue a montage of clips showing Zach kissing literally everyone with Briana being mopey about getting America’s first impression rose. She says it bothers her to see him connecting with others, specifically Christina, because on the first night she immediately went up to Briana and was like, “Oh you have a rose and dress with roses. This is rigged. Jk You look beautiful, and I hate you.” To Briana it felt like a slap in the face and didn’t realize how much it hurt her until now.

Ok. Going to take a deep breath and give my thoughts on this. Do I like Christina? No. Do I think that how Christina approached Briana the first night was rude/bitchy? Absolutely. But do I think Briana is taking this whole thing way too far to the point she’s getting in her own way? Yes. She is sucking the energy out of every scene by just being so “Woe is me.” What did Latto tell you, Briana? Be CONFIDENT!

Then Briana sits down with Christina and tells her that her words hurt her and made the environment not feel safe. Christina says she doesn’t remember saying that, but she’s sorry that she hurt her or made her feel uncomfortable. Briana responds with “I am choosing to believe you don’t remember. I am choosing to believe there was no malicious intent. To be friends, I am going to see some action.” I am happy Briana called out Christina, but what does being friends have to do with anything? Why would you want to even the idea of being friends with Christina? She sucks. I genuinely think that Christina doesn’t remember saying what she said because she says bitchy insensitive things to people all the time and just thinks it’s friendly banter. This whole thing is so stupid.

And as if we haven’t beat this dead horse enough, Briana then takes her sit-down time with Zach to tell him, again, that it was hard for her that first night because she had gotten America’s rose. This time she adds it’s also because of the negativity from other people in the mansion due to the rose. I want to pull my hair out at this point. She tells him one person made her uncomfortable and asks if he’d want to know who or not, and that she understands if he doesn’t want to know, but it’s also important for her to be heard, which felt baity to me. Zach says if he needs to know she can tell him, but if it’s already been handled by the parties involved, he’d rather not get involved because he doesn’t like drama. Briana drops it, but not without also adding that the person said “I hate you, JK” which made her nervous. My chest is so tight from this interaction. Zach tells Briana that it feels like she has a lot of walls up and he feels they haven’t had any fun together because every discussion has been serious. THANK YOU, ZACH, BECAUSE THE SENTIMENT IS MUTUAL FOR ALL VIEWERS. He asks if he’s doing something wrong. Briana reassures him he’s not. In her confessional she voices frustration that Christina put a wrench in her time with him?! Girl, YOU threw a wrench in your own time with him by bringing this up. And now I have to chew an aspirin to keep myself from going into cardiac arrest.

Zach goes into the living room where all the ladies are now convened and says “Alright I’ll see you guys later in the execution room” then throws up a peace sign.

We enter to rose ceremony where Briana is still sulking. She is asking herself “Why is my connection not strong with him?” because you only talk about your insecurities when you are with him Briana! This man has the emotional capacity of a goldfish, it’s not that hard to connect with him! Just bring him a snack, ask how he is feeling then shove your tongue down his throat and you are good to go!

As a reminder, Christina, Jess and Katherine already have roses. The ceremony roses are distributed:

1. Brooklyn
2. Genevie
3. Greer
4. Aly
5. Charity
6. Kaity
7. Gabi, who I am sure can still taste the Reese’s
8. Ariel
9. Janastasia from The Office
10. Kylee
11. Davia … have we heard her speak once?
12. Mercedes, also haven’t heard her speak. Also, also still have no answers on the whereabouts of her pig, Henry
13. Bailey

The final rose is between Cat, Briana, Kimberly or Victoria. It’s very tense, especially Cat’s eyebrows.

14. Briana

Alright folks, that’s it for episode 2. What a doozy. My biggest take away is that I am never listening to “Big Energy” by Latto ever again.
Until next time!