Hello all. Congratulations, we have made it to week 3. This episode begins with a shot of Zach taking a steamy shower, which reminds him that he needs to touch base with his buddy, Sean Lowe. Zach facetimes Sean and he asks all the important questions, “Do you like the girls? Do you think you’ve met your future wife? Have you been keeping your chest hair properly moisturized and tufted? Have you avoided talking about your near-death experience as a baby like I told you to because that’s more of a week 9 conversation?”

Back at the mansion, Host Jesse Palmer meets the 17 remaining girls in the living room. He lets them know there will be three dates this week – two one-on-ones and one group date. The first date is tonight, he drops off the envelope and it’s revealed that the first one-on-one is with Kaity. All the girls seem genuinely happy for her, and she cries tears of joy. A few hours later we are back in the living room with all the girls and Kaity is gussied up for her date. Zach walks in and sits in the middle of couch next to Kaity, surrounded by his collective group of girlfriends, and asks them all how their day was while caressing Kaity’s knee. Kaity and Zach leave for their one-on-one date.

From the previews I knew that their date was going to be in some sort of museum, and I was hoping they’re going to La Brea Tar Pits in LA, where there is a terrifying recreation of a mastodon getting trapped in a lake of tar while the baby mastodon screams in horror (I visited once when I was 10 and it’s been seared into my brain since), or the Anaheim Discovery Center. To my disappointment, it was neither and they arrived at the Natural History Museum, which probably smells better than both of my options. Zach and Kaity enter the museum and walk around – there is a massive T-Rex skeleton (fossil?) and a bunch of other prehistoric animal exhibits, all to themselves. Kaity says in an interview, “I’ve never done anything romantic in my life” and to go, “0 to 100 like this is unreal.” She feels so special and grateful. First off, if true it’s sad that no one has ever done anything romantic for her in her life. And second, she does realize Zach did not plan this right? Like, if she met him on the street their first date would be splitting pizza and beer whilst watching Thursday Night Football and him shoving his tongue down her throat because that’s all he knows.

Meanwhile at the mansion, we cut to Christina, the only other person to go on a one-on-one with Zach, womansplaining to the group that if they ever get to go on a one-on-one they will be “blown away.” Everyone seems annoyed. There’s a knock at the door and Greer says, “My fingers are crossed, my toes are crossed, and my legs, hoping that’s me on the one-on-one date.” Which did make me chuckle. It’s a group date card for everyone but Aly so that means she’ll be going on the other one-on-one. I don’t think we’ve heard a single conversation between Zach and Aly so it will be interesting to see.

Kaity and Zach sit down for dinner at the museum, and she is genuinely kind and happy to be with him. Zach is glad the feeling is mutual then shows his 7th grade excitement, his voice gets high, and he is giggling and smiling like a dork, why is it actually kind of adorable? He states, a-fucking-gain, that he wants a best friend to do the ups and downs of life with and asks her what she wants. Kaity says she knows from her past relationships she knows what she doesn’t want – her last relationship was 7 years on and off, very vulnerable, toxic and tumultuous. It made her question self-worth so in her forever relationship what she wants is to feel safe and to be someone who won’t run away when things get hard. She starts crying (and lowkey I might have cried too) then Zach leans in and tells her “I appreciate you.” She’s been through it and just wants a man to treat her right – the basics. Zach tells Kaity she deserves more than the basics, she deserves all the 5-star dates that a televised network, with large budgets and a full production staff working tirelessly, can provide. Zach then offers her the rose in the most robotic way I’ve heard, it didn’t even seem like a real sentence, “Iiii reeeally think, like, I want to further this connection with you. And, I mean, I would more than love to offer you this rose. Will you accept this rose?” There are theories in the Twitterverse that Zach is just an AI robot and this gave some weight to the theory. AI or not, Kaity happily accepts the rose.

Zach then offer Kaity to STAY THE NIGHT AT THE NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM. Kaity, a big fan of Ben Stiller’s work, immediately says, “Absolutely.” This is only the second one-on-one date, is this the earliest overnight date in Bachelor history? They walk over to a makeshift campsite in the middle of the museum complete with a tent and fire pit. Zach says, “I want her to feel like she deserves something amazing like this.” You want her to feel like she deserves to get banged in a museum 3 weeks into a show while you are still dating 16 other women? K, Zach. Not that I blame either of them – it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Imagine having a boner while surrounded by bones that are 65 million years old? (Too far – I’m sorry). They change into matching pajamas and run around in the museum, which seems like an insurance claim waiting to happen. I do genuinely feel they have fantastic chemistry and are cute together. They open the tent and there are two cots on separate sides, however, we hear audio of Kaity suggesting them to move the beds together, then kissing. End scene.

Back at the mansion, as the night gets later, the rest of Zach’s girlfriends are all questioning if Kaity will come back or not. Gabi says “The hardest part is knowing how awesome she is, I could see them together. And that’s a tough pull to swallow.” Kat (formerly known as Katherine, apparently now she can take the name Kat because other Cat and her eyebrows were cut last week) is crying.

The next morning the ladies awake to find Kaity’s luggage still in the foyer, but no Kaity. Christina is bitter because she feels she lost momentum. Kaity comes home in her silky pajamas to judgment and jealousy – we love to see it. She lets them know she is “working on no brain power” and didn’t sleep. Brooklyn says it looks like a walk of shame. Someone makes the comment Kaity had a “Fantasy Suite at the Museum,” and someone at Disney+ is currently making a storyboard for that sequel.

Zach will now have the group date on zero sleep, but when we cut to the football field, he is as chipper as ever. He tells the cameras he is, “Feeling good. Feeling high energy and up tempo.” Zach says football is a lot like love because it requires passion, hard work, and you only have to put attention towards it 5 months out of the year. The group date storms the football field to meet Zach, who lets them know they will be playing in the inaugural Bachelor Bowl. Two NFL legends – Shawn Merrimen and Antonio Gates are here to help coach. Kylee is fangirling hard; I hope she gets one of their numbers and dates one of them after she inevitably gets sent home in the next few weeks. This is going to be a full tackle football game with pads. The lucky winning team gets to go to an after party for more time to suck Zach’s face. The losers go home with sad hearts and dry lips. They all warm up and it’s revealed that Christina is a beast because she has been doing cross fit since age 11, which explains a lot about her personality. She is throwing a monster truck tire around like it’s a stuffed animal.

It’s time for the 5th Annual Bachelor Bowl, announced by Jesse Palmer and another woman named Hannah, who has allegedly announced a lot of Bachelor Nation competitions. Today’s matchup is between the Shallcrushers (a play on Zach’s last name Shallcross) and the Ballzachs (no explanation necessary). Jesse says, “They’re bold, they’re confident, they’re blue. Hence the name, the Ballzachs.” I don’t think Zach’s balls are at all blue after last night in the museum, but I will digress. First play, my girl Janastasia goes down hard. It seems like she hit her head. The Bachelor Bowl the CTE protocol is that you have to go on the sideline and have a conversation with Zach, which I believe to be more of a stimulating cognitive test than anything the NFL has in place. The Shallcrushers get the first touchdown. Gabi pees her pants during a tackle. Luckily for her, she’s on the yellow team. Christina has a “tackle” to prevent the Shallcrushers to have a TD, but it’s clearly holding. Shortly after Christina gets a touchdown for the Ballzachs. In my notes I wrote down, “Christina is a cheater and she is terrifying. “

After half time the Ballzachs get another touchdown and are up 14-7. During the last play Genevie has the chance to get a touchdown to tie, but she falls and the Ballzachs win. I don’t hold anything again Genevie for falling because, at this point, they’ve been on this “date” playing football for at least 5 hours. I would be dry heaving on the sideline begging for an IV. The yellow team is sent back to the mansion, bruised, battered and disappointed.

The blue team, Charity, Katherine/Kat, Kylee, Bailey, Christina, Ariel and Brooklyn, show up for the cocktail hour looking stunning. How did they all clean up so fast? Is it like 10 PM? I need a nap. Zach sits down with Christina, in his lap, first and she tells him that today was the first time she’s ever played on a team, which again says a lot about her personality. She voices that she’s worried that since he’s now spending more time with everyone else that their connection might fade from the forefront of his mind. Zach tells her to trust him, and that although nothing guaranteed she should feel strong in that they have a great connection. Even though she has a stepkid which isn’t ideal, she proved on the field today to have the brute strength and athletic ability that’d make her a great bearer of his own children. Then they make out.

Christina goes back to the group date where Ariel is talking about how it’s nice to win, but it sucks that those of losers don’t get time to play tonsil hockey with him. Christina says they shouldn’t feel bad, and then goes on a tangent about her one-on-one again saying that compared to this group date it was more chill and real, but “Cheers to y’all.” She sucks so bad.

Zach and Charity sit down and talk next. She says it’s hard to live with girls and hear about their connections, but she stays in her lane. She woke up this morning with peace, and desire to lay out some bitches on a football field, and she’s excited to be with him. They kiss.

Back at the mansion, Aly gets a date card and a mystery box. Kaity reads the date card out loud, “Aly, are you ready to fall in love?” In the box is a white wedding gown. This show is so weird when you think about it. Imagine having an overnight with a guy then the next day reading a card to another girl about having a date with him, probably while scent still lingers on you, and being excited for her?

Cutting back to the group date – Christina brings up the rose in the room and asks how everyone feels. Brooklyn says, “Well, everyone wants it, of course.” And Christina is like, “Well I just wanted to know, because this is my first group date and the rest of you have been on a group date already, so I don’t know how it goes. It’s different on a one-on-one.” Brooklyn’s bullshit meter cannot withstand anymore, and she calls Christina out for not shutting up about her one-on-one, “It seems malicious.” This confrontation between Christina and Brooklyn somehow triggers a need in Bailey to interrupt Kylee and Zach making out so she can get validation from him? Bailey tells Zach their initial connection was so strong (ie he immediately guilt made out with her when she stepped out of limo because he called her Balen on national television), but she can tell its regressing. Zach agrees that he’s noticed things are off. Just as he’s trying to break up with her – Ariel interrupts and Zach allows it?! He says to Bailey, “Let’s table that and reapproach later.” And Bailey is fine with it?! LOL. This show. Zach, once again giddy as can be, tells Ariel he likes her because it seems like she likes to have fun and they make out.

Meanwhile, Bailey is crying about not being heard or understood. Girlfriend, maybe when Ariel stepped in you could’ve been like “Actually, I do mind if you steal him. We are in the middle of an intense talk.” Bailey then interrupts Zach while he’s talking to a producer to get some more time with him. Bailey says, “I want to be here, but I want you to validate you like me.” The last person who did this was Madison from North Dakota and it did not go well, so it’s no surprise that Zach tells her he’s not confident they have a connection and doubts that will change, so she is sent home. Bailey hugs all of the other date patrons farewell and they are bummed she’s leaving, except Christina who says, “I know it’s sad because she’s our roommate, but it’s inevitable.”

The vibe is heavy as Zach rejoins the group date, but then he gives the rose to Charity and spirits are lifted. After Zach says his goodbyes, the ladies congratulate Charity telling her she deserves the rose and she expresses how much it means to her to get it. Then, f*cking Christina chimes in and detonates the moment by saying she’s confused she didn’t get the rose. Charity starts crying and Brooklyn and Kat once again call Christina out on her selfish bullshit, as they should. I struggle to grasp if Christina is really an intentionally malicious person, or just ignorant and self-absorbed, either way though I love to hate it. She has an uninhibited lack of self-awareness that has kept reality shows like this running for decades. Also is she drunk?

Done with that train wreck – we move on to Aly’s date, which all in all is pretty uneventful I must say. Zach is standing at an alter in a concrete lot surrounded by hanger as Aly’s limo pulls up. What we thought was a wedding dress is actually a wedding jumpsuit – so chic. He takes her hand and leads her to a small plane and asks her to go skydiving. When the date card said “fall in love” it meant fall 10,000 feet out of an airplane. She is nervous, but comes off as so cool and confident. The deep neckline of this jumpsuit does not seem conducive to jumping out of an airplane. They sky dive without a hitch nor any nip slips. After they sky dive, they have romantic hot tub time at a winery.

The second part of their date is dinner at a location that gives the vibe of the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland. During their discussion Aly brings up being type A and how she likes to be in control. She makes it clear that due to her past relationships she wants her next relationship to be a safe place where she can put herself first, but also be fully invested. It doesn’t seem like it directly aligns with Zach’s dream of RV BFF married life, but maybe that’s just my perception. Zach just keeps calling her “kick ass,” which is kind of a weird compliment. He offers her the rose, Aly accepts. They dance to a personal LIVE performance by singer Griffen Palmer. Shockingly, Aly has never dated him, which made it particularly boring. Never forget Pilot Pete taking Victoria F to a Chase Rice concert and then at dinner she had to let him know it was awkward because she in fact used to date Chase. “Chase. The singer Chase?”

Next day – Host Jesse Palmer congregates the ladies in the living room once again and says Zach does not feel like he needs a cocktail party tonight, because it’s time for a POOL PARTY BITCHES. There’s really nothing better than a drunk pool day at the mansion. Greer says, “The weather is almost as hot as me right now,” insert eye roll. Katherine/Kat leads a cheers with the ladies, “Here’s to all of us getting in a silly goofy mood and getting Zach in a silly goofy mood” Translation – silly goofy mood = let’s get f*cking lit. The day includes grilling, chicken fights, pool volleyball, and tequila shots. Ariel, and her perfect rack join a very drunk Zach in the hot tub. It is taking everything in him to listen to her talk and not just stare at Ariel’s boobs, and he is failing. To eradicate the distraction, he makes out with her. The two of them actually have a fun banter, she seems funny and sarcastic.

As Lucille Bluth once said, “Good for her.”

We cut to Briana who is, once again, having a hard day. She realizes that her connection with Zach connection just isn’t forming, probably because of that bitch Christina, and she’s on her way out. And she’s going to do it on her own terms. She sits down will a blissfully oblivious, sunburnt and wasted Zach who is just sipping on his drink without a care in the world… no idea a grenade is about to be launched…

Briana asks why at the last rose ceremony Zach said it was hard to talk to her. He responds that it just doesn’t feel real or natural. He doesn’t know if it’s because she has walls up or if it’s just not the right connection. She says that suck because she feels she is trying and is genuine, so she has decided to peace out and ruin his day while she’s at it. Briana lets him know that she feels her relationship couldn’t get off the ground because Christina made rude remarks to her the first night and that Christina also made Charity cry over the rose. She thinks that a lot of other girls feel like they can’t be comfortable in this process either because Christina’s intimidating them too. Briana says goodbye to all the girls. Zach reflects.

Sometime later, a somber and doing his very best to sober up Zach saunters up to the women who are hanging out by the pool, mourning the loss of their most recent bestie. He’s like, “Hey guys, I just ate a foot long from Subway and chugged three Gatorades, so I am ready to talk to you all about bullying. Bullying is bad, ok? And I won’t tolerate it…not in my make out mansion.” He pulls Christina aside stating that he needs to get to the bottom of this because she isn’t just any girl, she met his family AND his dogs.

Zach and Christina sit on the steps outside of the Bachelor mansion. It’s at this moment I realized that Christina looks like if Lo from The Hills and Kelsea Ballerini had a baby. Zach says it’s come to his attention that she’s made feels girl feel hurt and insecure. Christina says that her personality being loud, outgoing, and bubbly has been misconstrued and that the girls who have confronted her she has given clarification, so she thought it was done. Zach is clearly annoyed, because regardless of what she did or didn’t do, he has to put up with drama during his journey of 1000 kisses. He doesn’t have the bandwidth to talk, nevertheless manage conflict. Christina starts to cry/hyperventilate – not sure if she’s hammered, sincerely panicking or both. She says that him getting guarded with her when this is all a misunderstanding makes no sense. She begs for him to tell her how she can show him that she should stay – “Help me, help me, help me.” She is getting desperate and it’s hard to watch. At this point you can see in Zach’s eyes he is checking out – he does not want to put up with this kind of shit. She then goes into house and sobs on the stairs alone while Zach talks to Brooklyn and Charity, who relay that yes, Christina does have a big personality, but she’s also insensitive and doesn’t think before she speaks.

Host Jesse Palmer meets the remaining girls at the pool at dusk and tells them “Zach is confused and doesn’t feel like he can continue on…” insert long dramatic pause “with the pool party. You should all gather yourselves and get ready for the rose ceremony.” As the ladies’ trail inside the mansion to get ready for the rose ceremony, they ignore/practically walk over Christina who is on the floor having a breakdown. Eventually one of the girls stops to give her a hug and comfort her.

Cut to the rose ceremony where Christina is still clearly spiraling and won’t stop fidgeting and/or biting her lip.

As a reminder, Kaity, Charity and Aly already have roses. Briana and Bailey were already sent home, so there’s only one more person leaving this week.

Rose ceremony:

1. Jess
2. Gabi
3. Ariel
4. Genevie – who’s in a full-on arm sling with no explanation? I am assuming it was from the football game but why is this the first we are seeing of it. Was she even at the pool party?
5. Greer
6. Kat (fka Katherine)
7. Kylee
8. Davia
9. Janastasia
10. Brooklyn
11. Mercedes

Christina is going home, and I am truly shocking because they will usually always keep the crazy ones for the drama. Zach is bad at his job. The other girlfriends half ass hug her while “Ding dong the witch is dead,” plays in their head. Zach walks her out and Christina says she understands and that, “I hope you find your best friend.” He tells her he is sorry and that he appreciates her. She lingers with him for a few moments in the hallway, almost seems like an attempt to have him change his mind, but to no avail. She then goes to the sprinter van crying. Zach goes back inside and cheers to the ladies, closing out another rose ceremony.

Ok so quick thoughts on this Christina situation. Am I or have I been at any point a fan of Christina? No. Do I think she was annoying, insensitive and generally just a lot and it rubbed people the wrong way? Yes. Do I feel bad for her? Weirdly enough, yes. Not because she went home, but of how she went home. I think it sucks to pin it on, “You made other people feel bad about themselves so you’re not worthy being here anymore.” I think it should’ve been more of a situation that her personality was just not the right fit for what he was looking for because he’s more laidback and no fuss and doesn’t want to deal with her. As much as she sucked, I do think some of these girls need a bit more of a backbone. Imagine if he had let Tahjz in the house? She would’ve eaten these bitches alive.

That is all for week 3, everyone. Thank you for reading!