Hello and welcome to your week 4 Bachelor recap. If you lack culture and do not understand the reference for the title of this blog post, please note that it is based on lyrics from Brooke Valentine’s One-Hit wonder “Girlfight” circa 2005, featuring Lil Jon and Big Boi of Outkast. I highly suggest listening to it to get properly pumped up for the underwhelming “she said vs she said” girl fight that fueled this episode.

We start this week with the remaining 14(?) girlfriends sitting in the living room of the Bachelor mansion – just absolutely spent from the pool party from hell. Genevie is still in a sling with zero explanation as to what happened, but she says, “the vibe is lighter now.” Mostly because of the pain killers, but also because that a**hole Christina is gone. Host Jesse and his massive teeth announce that this week that they are all going to the Bahamas, who’s tourism industry is ready to welcome Zach and his brothel with open arms as they’re still recovering from the detrimental impacts of the cruise ship industry being shut down during COVID as well as the Fyre Festival disaster of 2017. I’d also like to point out that they are visiting during the peak of hurricane season.

The ladies pack their bags in an hour and the next thing you know we are in the beautiful island paradise staying at the Baha Mar resort. The gaggle of women bust through the doors of their suites screaming and running in excitement, as is tradition. They also started a collective “Zach the snack,” chant on the balcony whilst overlooking the ocean – which summons a cutaway scene to Zach who is, you guessed it, showering.

The first date card appears for Kat that reads, “How deep is our love?” Kat is pumped and tells the group she’s excited for “private time” to be “intimate,” which are choice words to talk about your collective boyfriend to his room of girlfriends. Greer then starts crying in front of everyone, saying that she thought he’d want to spend time with her. At first, I was thinking, “You and everyone else, Greer. Shut up.” but then she brought up how she got the first impression rose so it’s weird that he hasn’t given her a one-on-one yet, which is actually a very good point. Why hasn’t Zach had a one-on-one with Greer yet? Perhaps because he saw the clip from week one of her referring to herself in third person? I know that’s reason enough for me to not want to hang out with her. Mercedes is also crying, which IS actually confusing because we haven’t seen her talk with Zach since she met him outside of the mansion. We also still have yet to find out what happened to the pig who accompanied her – you might’ve forgotten about Henry, Mercedes, but I have not!

For his date with Kat, Zach is sporting debatably the ugliest tropical button up shirt I’ve seen. The best way I can describe it is a light blue and black 2000s-esque pattern with palm tree, crop circles, and the Hogwarts castle. Kat says in her confessional that she’s excited to see him shirtless all day, which means 1) Sean’s plan of making Zach the most shirtless Bachelor in history is working and 2) she also thinks the shirt is fugly. Also, I just realized that Zach looks like Jimmy Tatro.

Kat and Zach are taking a catamaran ride in the stunning turquoise waters of the Bahamas. We are forced to watch a clip of them putting sunscreen on each other for, I kid you not, nearly 3 minutes. The producers were really like, “the most exciting thing to highlight about this date is literally watching sunscreen being applied and dried.” Zach in his confessional says Kat is model-level beautiful and is speculative as to why she’s here and not already wifed up. I do appreciate that Zach is very much a normal, goofy guy who doesn’t understand why anyone is into him.

It’s around this point of the date where I notice that while they’re canoodling in the front of the catamaran there are a bunch of people on the second level of the boat watching them. And it didn’t look like it was production – I think it was random families. It wasn’t in the budget to reserve a boat to themselves, so they had to join the Royal Caribbean’s excursion. Could you imagine saving your money for years to take your wife and two kids on a trip of a lifetime to cruise the Bahamas, only to find out during the snorkeling excursion that you are limited to the second floor of the boat because some dude is making out with his girlfriend #11 for national TV? I mean, I know that would make MY entire trip, but I don’t think Joe Smith the plumber from Oklahoma would appreciate it. Zach and Kat hold hands while snorkeling and Zach says in his confessional that it, “feels natural,” and they clicked so effortlessly. Zach… you don’t have to talk to people while snorkeling, there’s not much to click about – the only thing you both have to do for it to be successful is not drown.

Zach and Kat are sitting on a beach after their snorkeling adventure. Zach says, “This doesn’t feel like a first date,” and Kat agrees that, “there’s an ease with us,” which is why she felt so comfortable doing a silly dance on the boat with him. Do you know who didn’t get to do a silly dance? Joe Smith’s kids who were getting violently seasick from the lack of fresh air on the second level of the catamaran. Kat says in the past she’s had strong connections with guys then they fizzed out, but not this time, this time is different. Zach says that this one of the best first dates ever. Not as great as banging Kaity next to a TRex, but definitely better than Christina blindsiding him with the news that she had child at home after his mom’s birthday party.

Back at the hotel, there’s knock at door and the group date card arrives – “Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Davia, Genevie, Anastastia, Kylee, Mercedes, Charity, Gabi, Jess, and Greer – it’s time to turn up heat.” That means Brooklyn is getting the one-on-one, which is shocking because we haven’t seen much of the connection highlighted between Zach and Brooklyn. Even she seems shocked to be going on the date.

Moving onto dinner time with Kat and Zach. In her confessional she states that she’s worried about not coming from a “traditional background,” like he does. They sit down and Zach talks, a-f*cking-gain, about his parents being besties for the resties and absolute couple goals for him. Kat says she is jealous of people who have stable home lives, then divulges that she struggled with maintaining a relationship with her mother to the extent that she had a stint where she couldn’t live with her. Kat tells him that she wants a traditional family – a husband who doesn’t run and a good relationship with her kids. She gets emotional and says it scares her that he came from a healthy environment because how could someone like her, who didn’t have that, be worthy of love from someone like him. Zach basically tells Kat not to fret her pretty model-like head because he wants to love his partner for who they are now, not their background (except if they have a 5-year-old daughter at home and sh*tty people skills). He tells her he appreciates her bravery and she tells him that no one has ever received the information about her tumultuous family relationship with grace before. To which I asked, out loud, “Who the f*ck has Kat dated that broke up with her because she didn’t get along with her mom?” Was she trying to get into the royal family? Zach gives her the rose then says their connection is like, “Two meteors colliding and creating a star.” I am not an astronomer, nor an astrologer, but I don’t believe that’s how stars work.

At the hotel the girls are sitting in their suite and hear explosions in the distance. Aly says dryly, “Damn it, she got fireworks.” I actually lol’ed. Zach and Kat make out.

Onto the group date – they all meet Zach on a beach for some day drinking and island frivolity. After last week’s disastrous pool party where Zach found out Christina was bullying the entire house thus destroying his buzz, he wants to give having fun and getting lit with his girlfriends another shot. It’s brought up that prior to the date all the ladies called a council meeting and passed a bipartisan bill to equally share time with Zach. Good news, Genevie is inexplicably no longer in her arm sling. Bad news, Gabi is allergic to shellfish and a lot of the activities of this date involve eating and or tossing shellfish into each other’s mouths.

The ladies are in a limbo line having a grand old time, until Anastasia (who is unfortunately not wearing a power suit) stops to ask Zach for a kiss for courage before bending under the pole. All the girls are like, “Um, what?” and Zach awkwardly offers her a sympathy peck on the cheek. Already on everyone’s bad side, Anastasia decides to watch the world burn by pulling Zach aside for one-on-one time. This apparently goes against the Bahamas Peace Treaty of 2022 that the group agreed. My question is – who, what, where, when and how was time with Zach going to be dictated? Was there an agenda and/or itinerary? And if so, how do I get a copy of that? I also don’t know why they were all upset by Anastasia stealing Zach because their only topic of conversation was how they were both sweating profusely in the muggy tropical humidity. Kylee is in her strappy black bikini, looking hot and pissed off that Anastasia stole Zach away, so she decides to interrupt.

Kylee awkwardly hovers over them and is like, “Can I steal him for a sec?” and Anastasia responds, “Can I have a couple more minutes?” then Kylee just continues to stand there, lingering for a few seconds until she finally says, “No. I don’t want to fight you, Stassi babe. Just let me have him.” It gave me secondhand embarrassment from having to witness. Anastasia gives up and Kylee sits next to Zach telling him that she missed him. I’d like to note that he did not say the same to her in return. Anastasia, also known as Stassi allegedly, starts telling the other girls on the group date that Kylee tried to fight her for time with Zach and she felt threatened. The other girls ask Kylee about it, and she’s like, what the f*ck? Zach was literally right there; I did not try to fight her. This is the most insane and stupid stretch for drama I have ever seen, and I am obsessed with every second.

It’s time for the group date cocktail hour and another fugly button up shirt from Zach. This one is red with white birds – not even tropical birds, it’s covered in doves. Kaity gets to talk with Zach first, and in a turn of events Zach is asking HER for reassurance because she didn’t seem stoked on him in the group environment. He’s like, “Why didn’t you talk to me?” and Kaity had to remind him that he is in fact the Bachelor and was on a date with 10 other girls so it’s kind of hard to talk to him, and Zach is like “Oh right. Well, can we please make out now? Cause I’ve been waiting all day.” Jess’ Claire’s body glitter is back in full force. Probably inspired, like the rest of us, by Rihanna’s Super Bowl halftime performance of Diamonds. Charity and Zach chat by the pool. Is it just me or do their interactions seem sort of forced? Specifically, it feels like Charity might not be as into Zach and he’s into her. Maybe she does like him and is just a little awkward in front of the cameras.

As the group of girls hang out on the couches, Anastasia brings up the fighting comment from Kylee – she clarifies that she wasn’t intentionally telling people about it to manipulate the situation, more it was just a miscommunication. Which seems like bullsh*t, it was pretty clear that she was trying to get everyone on her side by exaggerating what Kylee said and claiming she threatened to fight her. Kylee feels that Anastasia is trying to be manipulative, so she makes the executive decision to tell Zach directly what’s going on. Historically, it has not worked out well for anyone to involve Zach with drama, so this is a bold move. Kylee spends her time with Zach telling him that she’s stressed because Anastasia took her words out of context and told all the girls she threatened to fight her. Zach laughs over this, because he was there and knew that Kylee meant it as, “I don’t want to argue with you,” not actually physically fight. To take things even further, Kylee then brings up that Charity told her that Anastasia talks about Instagram followers. Which is the reason why everyone goes on this show, but you never ever say it out loud. Zach turns very stern over this accusation because a woman being here for clout and not to just make out with him, in earnest, is not something he will stand for. Kylee bringing this up this comment from Anastasia was extremely unnecessary and messy, but from a viewer’s standpoint it’s appreciated. Zach talks to Charity who confirms that she overheard Anastasia talking about Instagram followers. Zach is pissed as once again his buzz is getting destroyed by drama. This is his nightmare. He approaches the group and says, “There might be someone here for the wrong reasons – that being said, Anastasia can you join me?” As they walk away, Ariel asks if anyone knows what he’s talking about? Charity and Kylee stay quiet, twiddling their thumbs.

Zach takes Anastasia aside and asks if she’s actually here for him because he’s heard a rumor that she is more focused on Instagram followers. Anastasia tells him that some of the girls were talking to her about brands that she works with, because she is a content marketing manager and that is her job, and she was telling them about the connections she could help them make outside of the show. This whole conversation seems vague and missing key elements – probably because production doesn’t want to break the fourth wall that outside of this Bachelor bubble there is this element of social media (even though it’s Anastasia’s job and could give context to the conversations that were overheard). Anastasia then walks back to the rest of the group without Zach. They all want to know what the discussion was about, but she keeps her lips sealed – I do not blame her because I wouldn’t trust these b*tches either. Kylee finally speaks up and tells the group that Zach asked her more information, so she told him secondhand info of the Instagram followers comment from. I rewatched the conversation between Zach and Kylee and would like to confirm that Zach DID NOT ask Kylee to divulge further information about Anastasia after they talked about the “fight” comment, Kylee did so on her own accord. At least, that’s what was shown in the clip. The comment that Charity overheard from Anastasia was something along the lines of, “14 girls left, and they will each get 50,000 followers,” and Charity is like, “Why would you say that?” Anastasia again tries to justify the conversation, but once again it feels vague and she doesn’t give enough information. I am not sure if that’s because production is cutting parts of the conversation out, or if Anastasia is bullsh*tting and can’t give a better excuse because she was actually inappropriately talking about Instagram followers like an idiot. Regardless, it feels like context and details are missing. Like, who was Anastasia talking to when she made this Instagram comment that Charity overheard? Can they give some clarification?

Ariel talks to Zach and asks how he’s feeling, because she knows that women being here for the wrong reasons is a big fear of his. He then tells her that feels a mystery with her, and she tells him to ask her any question. Shocker – he is completely stumped and can’t come up with any question to ask her. Ariel throws him a bone and lets her know that her favorite color is green. And with that, Ariel snags the group date rose.

Last but not least we have the one-on-one date with Brooklyn. She greets Zach with the traditional run and jump kiss. He says he’s picked her this date because he needs someone up for adventure. He is in yet another ugly shirt, whoever dressed this week needs to get fired. Brooklyn and Zach go ATVing through the tropical forest. Afterwards, they sit down for a talk at the beach. In my notes I wrote, “They have a romantic connection equivalent of siblings.” Zach said that he felt like the moment things clicked between them when Brooklyn set up a lasso and fake bull at the mansion a few weeks ago. Seems like a weird bonding point, but you do you, Zach. He then tells her, “I just wanna kiss you,” so they kiss then Brooklyn proceeds knuckle bump him, which further proves my theory above. They then go for a dip and make out in the ocean. Zach in his confessional quotes Shrek saying he is excited to peel back more layers at dinner.

There is a warning about content regarding domestic violence before cutting to the dinner date with Brooklyn. Zach cheers to her for being so comfortable during their date and how he’s excited to be with her. In her confessional, Brooklyn is emotional about getting to open up to Zach. He brings up the knuckle bump after their kiss earlier, and she’s like, “Boy you said you wanted a best friend. Doesn’t get more best friend than that – I will bring it.” And right then I gained a lot of respect for Brooklyn. She comes off as laidback and real, which Zach points out to her. Brooklyn says that a year ago she wasn’t this same person. Growing up her grandparents were her couple goals, because she didn’t like her dad. Unfortunately, she got into a relationship with a man like her dad, that started off emotionally abusive and eventually turned physically abusive as well. She was in a toxic relationship for 6 years, feeling like a shell of herself. Then one day she woke up, made the choice and got out. She is so strong and incredible, and I don’t know her, but I am so proud of her. I am a Brooklyn STAN now and I am happy she got this date. I want all good things for her. Zach, albeit sweating profusely, does a great job truly listening to Brooklyn and acknowledging her strength, kindness and compassion. He says he feels lucky to be sitting next to her and to be in the lightness that she brings even though she’s been through so much. He thanks her for being open and gives her the rose, telling her it means not only does he want her here another week, but he wants to continue what they have and expand on it.

It’s now time for the rose ceremony in the Baha Mar executive lounge. Davia had no time to talk to Zach during the group date, so she really needs one-on-one time tonight (seems like the Peace Treaty they agreed to before the group date didn’t favor everyone?) Things are tense coming into tonight because of the drama with Anastasia and Kylee. Zach comes into the room, makes a rant about honesty and following his heart and gut, then immediately pulls Anastasia aside. Anastasia says it hurts that her character was called into question by him from something that was relayed out of context. Zach says that he needs to investigate all claims because he’s here for love and needs to make sure people are here for the right reasons. A short time later, Zach and Anastasia walk down the stairs. As they pass the group of girls Anastasia waves says, “Bye guys,” then walks out of the room. Doesn’t give any of the girls a hug, just peaces the f*ck out. Zach walks Anastasia out to the Sprinter van where they share a cold, side hug and a “Great getting to know you,” they clearly hate each other. Inside the hotel room, Kylee is crying in front of the rest of the group, feeling guilty that she played a part in having Anastasia sent home. All the other girls back Kylee up and say that she did the right thing, so that makes me feel like her claim against Anastasia was correct/justified and everyone thought she was there for the wrong reasons. Again, I would love to know who Anastasia was talking to about the Instagram followers so we could get their side of the story because this situation is still really weird, but alas we do not.

Zach returns to the group and says that although the Instagram followers allegations did bring up a red flag, at the end of the day even outside of that he just wasn’t feeling a connection with her, so it wasn’t worth risking potential drama. And I appreciate that honesty from him! It does beg the question, why do we even have rose ceremonies if Zach is going to keep sending people home at random a few hours before?

Zach plays pool and is very flirtatious with Kat; like they are on the verge of banging it out on the pool table. It is kind of disrespectful he is spending time with her when she already has a rose/had a one-on-one date a few days ago and there are other girls at the hotel he didn’t spend any time with this week. Davia is having the same feeling as I am because she is crying. Eventually Zach comes up for air and pull his tongue out of Kat’s throat to sit down with Davia. She tells him it’s been a hard process but that every action he’s taken she’s gained more trust with him (lies). Zach tells her they, “had such a quick, fast connection,” and she interrupts saying that he used the word “had” and that worries her. She says she wants to continue to grow their connection and he says he “appreciates that,” they seal the convo with a kiss.

And just like that the cocktail party ends – Kylee didn’t get an opportunity to talk to Zach about the Anastasia situation so now she’s spiraling. She’s worries she’ll be sent home for talking sh*t, and with Zach’s track record, she should be concerned. She cries in a closet threatening to send herself home because she, “couldn’t survive standing up there through a rose ceremony and not hearing my name.” Again, these girls are way too soft for this show.

During the commercial break there was a preview for an episode of the Good Doctor… how is that show still on the air?!

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and surprise, surprise Kylee is facing the music and did not send herself home. Proud of her for not taking the easy way out. Jess says, “Each rose ceremony is getting harder because Zach is like my boyfriend.” Insert eye roll here.

Kat, Brooklyn and Ariel all have roses. The remaining roses are distributed as follows –

1. Charity
2. Kaity
3. Gabi
4. Jess
5. Mercedes ? We have never seen him talk to her…
6. Aly
7. Greer

The final rose is between Davia, Genevie, and Kylee

8. kylee

Wow. I feel like Zach kind of did Davia dirty – coming off that conversation we were just shown I thought she’d be safe. Genevie, thank you for sacrificing your arm for the cause, even though they never told us what happened to you.

Zach cheers with the remaining 11 ladies and lets them know their next stop is somewhere he has always dreamed of going to – LONDON!’

Thank you for reading. Until next week!