Congratulations we have made it to the halfway point of the season. If you didn’t watch this episode, and or you were confused by the title of this week’s post, spoiler alert: Zach the Snack got the rona. Did you think in the year 2023 we would have to sit through an entire 2 hour episode of the Bachelor where he is isolated in a room for 60% of the air time AND watch women get broken up with their fake boyfriend, abroad, via a Zoom Rose Ceremony? What a (terrible) time to be alive and blogging this dumpster fire.

The episode starts with Zach’s remaining 11 girlfriends (side note: kind of a random number) arriving to London. Each of them give us a taste of their most annoying British accents right out the gates and all I have to say is cheeri-no thank you. Greer has a feeling she is finally going to get her one-on-one date this week because they’re in London, which is a city that likes tea almost as much as she does. Greer loves tea so much that she has a cup of it tattooed, poorly, on her arm.

As the ladies are congregated in the living room of their suite the first date card arrives – “Gabi, you’re my queen.” Gabi is excited telling the other girlfriends, “I am his queen and Zach is my king.” Greer looks like she is going to shoot herself into the sun and/or shank Gabi. A British driver comes into the room shortly after to announce that Zachary Shallcross, and his incubated virus, is waiting for her downstairs.

Gabi meets Zach in a private car. She once again calls him her king and I already know this is going to be a long date. Zach tells her that today they are living like royals. Since Harry and Megan left, there’s an open spot for another annoying, attention seeking couple to join the family – lucky them. Their first stop is at a perfumeria that makes fragrances for the aristocracy. It becomes immediately apparent that these two are severely out of place. Gabi describes the notes of one of the perfumes as “sour patch kids.” Zach says one smells (allegedly) like Christmas, and Gabi counters that it smells like straight weed. Another one she described as, “cleaning supplies.” You can see in the perfumer’s eyes he hates these uncouth Americans with a fiery passion. But he’s true professional and politely asks, “Have you two been together awhile?” and Zach’s like, “Gabi why don’t you take that question?” to which Gabi responds, “I poured maple syrup down his throat a few weeks ago and here we are.” The perfumer just smiles, eyes vacant and losing sense of humanity. Gabi and Zach do have a natural, goofy banter together, but in a way that is insufferable for anyone who has to be around them. They name their signature fragrance “Zabi” – Gabi calls it their “first child.” Security is called to escort them out of the building because the perfume man can’t do this anymore.

At their next stop, Zabi are greeted by Grant aka The Royal Butler. He says, “I’ve worked for King Charles III, the queen consort, the Prince and Princess of Wales, the red head with a book that shall not be named, the late Queen, and now I’m here….for you. Where did I go so wrong?” Zabi drink the queen’s cocktail, they try on the family jewels and heirlooms, then, THEY GET TO MEET THE ROYAL CORGIS WHO ARE IN LITTLE BOWTIES AND ASCOTS. Cute dogs aside, imagine being one of these professionals who have spent their entire lives servicing literal royalty and now have to entertain 7th grade band guitarist Zach Shallcross, in the most irrelevant season of The Bachelor yet. Also, who signed off on this? Did ABC get Queen Lizzy to agree on her death bed? Gabi also gets her very own fashion montage where she tries on a bunch of royal dresses for Zach, then they get crumpets and…tea. Someone check on Greer. They make out and Zach compliments her kissing, and Gabi is like, “I like to kiss you, which is crazy because I am not a big kisser.” Shocked he didn’t send her home at that very second to be honest.

The rest of the girlfriends are still sitting in the suite of the living room when Gabi walks in to drop off her 400 shopping bags and shove all her new stuff in the losers’ faces. Many of gals pretend to be supportive as they ooh and ah at her customized fragrance, designer dresses and diamond earrings. Kylee is smiling on the couch, but in her confessional is like, “I’m jealous. I can’t remember the last time a man has bought me a meal nevertheless Jimmy Choos.” and Aly is like, “All I got on my date with Zach was pushed out of an airplane, a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a yeast infection from that vineyard jacuzzi.” I mean, she didn’t say that, but it’s (probably) accurate. Once Gabi brings up the tea and crumpets, Greer starts tearing up, as expected. In her confessional she says, “That one cuts deep because I told Zach how much I love tea. It was rubbing dirt in the wound.” There’s a knock at the door and you’d think it’s another date card, but no, it’s a huge purple tulle gown for Gabi to wear during the dinner portion of their date and another card from Zach calling her his queen. Greer stomps out of the suite, upset, and I wish I could do the same.

Greer is in the hallway crying and Charity is comforting her. Shortly after Gabi comes out to get ready for her date, struggling to carry her shopping bags and dress – she essentially runs over Greer as if she’s dateless roadkill. Gabi walks past them then realizes that they are having a mental breakdown and politely asks the losers to move out of her way because, unlike them, she has somewhere to be.

Gabi meets Zach for dinner in her new gown. I find her lowkey annoying, but it seems like she and Zach have great connection. Still debating if I think it’s stronger than his connection with Kaity… I know I definitely like Kaity more. Zach says he is blown away how Gabi makes everything so fun and effortless, saying she’s “never nervous” which is “refreshing.” Kind of seems like an asshole thing to say about women who have to make out with a guy they barely know in front of 5 cameras and a full production crew, Zach. Of course they’re a bit nervous. Zach says he thought he knew the woman he fell in love with last season, but he didn’t – I personally, as someone who hasn’t watched this show in ions, would like more context. Greer starts talking about her body image issues and how Zach made her feel good just by looking at her in her dresses during her Royal Pretty Woman montage. Zach’s like, “You’re hot and I see you for you, but you’re also hot.” And Gabi gives him the breaking news that she won’t always be done up like this, sometimes she will be in sweatpants and no makeup. She says that in her last two-year relationship her BF made her insecure – she always had to be done up and keep her body tight and even that wasn’t enough. I have to ask again, where are all these women finding these a**holes?! I was on Old Town Scottsdale Tinder in 2016 and had better luck. Zach says he also had issues with body image – remember this because I will touch back on it later. Gabi tells Zach, “You make me feel seen without trying,” outside of the 10 other women he’s actively dating, that is.

Speaking of, back at the hotel, the group date card comes in for Brooklyn, Kat, Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Kylee, Jess, Mercedes, and Greer. Charity gets the other one-on-one and she’s so giddy. Aaaaaand Mercedes is crying/hyperventilating about getting another group date. Mam, have you two ever had a conversation? If so, we haven’t seen it.

Wrapping up the dinner date, Gabi tells Zach that she doesn’t want perfect – she wants honesty, genuineness and someone who is real, stating she knows “that’s a lot to ask for.” Those are actually the bare minimum things to ask for from a partner, Gabi. And lucky for you, you’re dating Zach, who is a bare minimum Bachelor. Zach gives her the rose then they walk over to a private show of UB40 playing “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” Ska-tastic.

The next more the ladies are getting ready for their group date, and Greer took her happy pills this morning and is rearing to go. Ariel is in a denim jumpsuit. Another date card randomly shows up from Zach letting them know that he has a great date planned for them, but he’s under the weather, so they will need to go on it without him. All the girls act as if they’ve taken a bullet. The ladies of the group date load onto a double decker bus for a tour of London. The weather matches their energy – gloomy, depressing and boring. The only highlight is when one of them gets him in the face with a bag pipe.

Back at the hotel, Zach self-films a video diary and says he feels, “tired and jetlagged.” Which immediately takes me back to October 2020 when I returned from a super spreader in Mexico for my friend’s thirtieth birthday party, feeling like I was hit by a bus but thinking, “Of course I feel like shit. I just drank nothing but Don Julio and Pina Coladas for three days straight.”

Returning to the group date, the girlies have finally stopped being lame about missing their collective boyfriend and decided to get lit. They enter a tavern and start chugging brewskis. God bless. The bartender asks them, “What’re you all doing here?” and they literally tell her, “We are all dating the same guy.” They then harass a member of the queen’s guard and Kat says something about Rapunzel living in Big Ben? This date was stupid but at least they got drunk.

A few hours later, the women of the group date get all done up and arrive at the cocktail hour, only to be greeted by yet another butler who gives them a note stating Zach won’t be joining them because he’s sick. My only thought is where the f*ck is Jesse Palmer? Why do we keeping having to hire all these random butlers? Jesse as host is supposed to be the butler of this show. Anyways, Kat is sobbing hysterically at this news. Kaity is also crying. Mercedes basically says the girls who have already had a one-on-one previously and have the nerve to cry during this time can get fucked because she knows she hasn’t spoken to this man since night one when she brough a pig to the mansion. Brooklyn and Greer all make a statement about being stood up and I am going to need them all to get a grip. A man who’s literally being paid to date you is not standing you up without a good reason. The group date comes back to the hotel to inform Gabi and Charity that he didn’t show up. Charity is clearly shaking in her boots because her one-on-one is supposed to be tomorrow. Also, why is Gabi still around these girls when Zach is showing symptoms? Shouldn’t she be quarantining as a precaution? Is Zach not vaxxed and she is? Every question.

The next morning, the brothel is waiting patiently to get an update about their mans. Jess says they should have, “positive thoughts only,” and then, like clockwork, Jesse finally shows up to tell them all that Zach has tested positive for COVID. Jess manifested the wrong type of positive. Mind you, Gabi is still sitting in the room next to everyone even though she was sucking Zach’s face for 18 hours when the virus was incubating in his system. At this point there’s still an hour left of this show and I am wondering how are they going to fill the rest of this time?

Charity is crying hysterically and says, “I was preparing my heart for this date.” Greer half ass says, “I’m sorry, babe,” but she’s for sure lowkey giddy he won’t be drinking more tea with anyone else. The best part is when Jesse says, “Kaity, obviously being a nurse you know how serious this is,” meanwhile, there’s 4-5 other nurses in the fucking room. I hope one of these nurses is like, “yes, I know how serious this can be, also can someone please get Gabi out of this room and test her?”

Kaity, being a nurse and knowing how serious this is, makes a care package for Zach and knocks on his hotel room door. We then have to sit through watching like 7 minutes of these cheese balls talking through a door, which is a new low even for this show. Zach is like, “it’s frustrating not being able to be with you in London…and the other ladies too I guess.” Kaity tells him she’s #sad about not getting to spend time with him and doesn’t want to lose momentum. He reassures her they have something special then we have to sit through flashbacks of every time they’ve hung out the last 4 weeks because production needs to burn up time. This show is stupid.

After the commercial break, we see Zach making an iPhone video diary – he says he’s frustrated he can’t see his girlfriends and that he has to, “figure something out.” It’s so weird, Zach, it’s not like the entire world was in this same situation 3 years ago and were able to figure it out?

Jesse comes into suite and tells the girlfriends that they’re going to have a virtual cocktail party and they are underwhelmed at best. Not only a virtual cocktail party, but also a virtual rose ceremony, because COVID or not Zach already knows which of these b*tches he does not want to join him at the next destination. Absolutely brutal. Aly is nervous because she, “communicates better in person where I can hold your hand” or give an over the pants hand j. Greer is like “I am grateful, because at least this is better than nothing.” …she will come to regret these words.

Do you know what’s worse then having to hop on a Zoom meeting for work? Having to watch 40 minutes of people dating over Zoom with their shared boyfriend of a month.

First up is Charity because she lost out on her one-on-one. Zach surprises her with Big Ben figurine because their “time had BEN cut short.” Someone on Twitter said that figurine was probably from the gift basket Kaity made for him the night before and I like to think that is fact. The rest of the girls’ discussions with him are relatively boring. The most exciting thing to happen is that Aly and Zach made out with oranges?

Then Greer enters the Zoom Room and things immediately start off on the wrong foot when she sits as far away from the iPad and Zach has to be like, “grab the iPad, you idiot.” Greer , trying to make conversation, brings up how it’s weird only seeing Zach on the FaceTime because she’s used to being able to look at herself. Zach basically tells her that she’s vain. Greer then asks how he’s feeling and he said it was touch and go for a hot minute, but feels better now. Greer says she works in sales and she had COVID at the end of the quarter so she knows what it’s like to have goal you’re trying to reach and feeling stuck because you’re sick. Zach, the piece of work that he is, replies with, “I think it’s completely different being frustrated in finding a future wife then missing a sales goal.” Greer tries to explain herself and he basically cuts her off and tells her, again, that the rona jeopardizing her stupid little career is not as big of a deal as it jeopardizing his journey to finding his wife on a show with a 7% success rate. I am not the biggest Greer fan but literally f*ck this guy. She was just trying to emphasize and he was a douche, not once but twice. Greer then cries to the other girls because her Zoom date went so poorly.

Host Jesse Palmer then meets with Zach via Zoom and compliments him on his ingenious idea to send home is girlfriends virtually. Zach’s like “You know, I wish I could be there in person to send their asses home. I think I could’ve kept them all, but production helping Kaity with my care package ate up a lot of the budget so we only have room for 8 people on the plane.” Zach then attempts to care and provoke some tears by shoving his fingers into the inner corner of his eyes. Jesse then says, “With your permission Zach, I am going to start the virtual rose ceremony.” One by one, these women are summoned by a man via video conference to pick up their rose.

Gabi already has her rose from her one-on-one, and hopefully at this point a confirmed negative COVID test. The other roses are distributed as follows:

1. Kaity
2. Charity
3. Aly
4. Kat
5. Brooklyn
6. Jess
7. Ariel

Jesse comes in frame to announce the last rose – it’s between Greer, Kylee and Mercedes.

8. Greer (and I’d like to note he said her name a little aggressively)

Mercedes and Kylee don’t even get the decency of saying goodbye to Zach via private FaceTime call – they have to get a half ass goodbye in front of everyone via TV monitor. So mortifying.

Once those losers leave the room he huddles the ladies in front of the TV monitor for a cheers, telling them he couldn’t be more confident with the remaining group.

Well that episode sucked. Here’s to better weeks to come.