Congratulations we have made it to the halfway point of the season. If you didn’t watch this episode, and or you were confused by the title of this week’s post, spoiler alert: Zach the Snack got the rona. Did you think in the year 2023 we would have to sit through an entire 2 hour episode of the Bachelor where he is isolated in a room for 60% of the air time AND watch women get broken up with their fake boyfriend, abroad, via a Zoom Rose Ceremony? What a (terrible) time to be alive and blogging this dumpster fire.

The episode starts with Zach’s remaining 11 girlfriends (side note: kind of a random number) arriving to London. Each of them give us a taste of their most annoying British accents right out the gates and all I have to say is cheeri-no thank you. Greer has a feeling she is finally going to get her one-on-one date this week because they’re in London, which is a city that likes tea almost as much as she does. Greer loves tea so much that she has a cup of it tattooed, poorly, on her arm.

As the ladies are congregated in the living room of their suite the first date card arrives – “Gabi, you’re my queen.” Gabi is excited telling the other girlfriends, “I am his queen and Zach is my king.” Greer looks like she is going to shoot herself into the sun and/or shank Gabi. A British driver comes into the room shortly after to announce that Zachary Shallcross, and his incubated virus, is waiting for her downstairs.

Gabi meets Zach in a private car. She once again calls him her king and I already know this is going to be a long date. Zach tells her that today they are living like royals. Since Harry and Megan left, there’s an open spot for another annoying, attention seeking couple to join the family – lucky them. Their first stop is at a perfumeria that makes fragrances for the aristocracy. It becomes immediately apparent that these two are severely out of place. Gabi describes the notes of one of the perfumes as “sour patch kids.” Zach says one smells (allegedly) like Christmas, and Gabi counters that it smells like straight weed. Another one she described as, “cleaning supplies.” You can see in the perfumer’s eyes he hates these uncouth Americans with a fiery passion. But he’s true professional and politely asks, “Have you two been together awhile?” and Zach’s like, “Gabi why don’t you take that question?” to which Gabi responds, “I poured maple syrup down his throat a few weeks ago and here we are.” The perfumer just smiles, eyes vacant and losing sense of humanity. Gabi and Zach do have a natural, goofy banter together, but in a way that is insufferable for anyone who has to be around them. They name their signature fragrance “Zabi” – Gabi calls it their “first child.” Security is called to escort them out of the building because the perfume man can’t do this anymore.

At their next stop, Zabi are greeted by Grant aka The Royal Butler. He says, “I’ve worked for King Charles III, the queen consort, the Prince and Princess of Wales, the red head with a book that shall not be named, the late Queen, and now I’m here….for you. Where did I go so wrong?” Zabi drink the queen’s cocktail, they try on the family jewels and heirlooms, then, THEY GET TO MEET THE ROYAL CORGIS WHO ARE IN LITTLE BOWTIES AND ASCOTS. Cute dogs aside, imagine being one of these professionals who have spent their entire lives servicing literal royalty and now have to entertain 7th grade band guitarist Zach Shallcross, in the most irrelevant season of The Bachelor yet. Also, who signed off on this? Did ABC get Queen Lizzy to agree on her death bed? Gabi also gets her very own fashion montage where she tries on a bunch of royal dresses for Zach, then they get crumpets and…tea. Someone check on Greer. They make out and Zach compliments her kissing, and Gabi is like, “I like to kiss you, which is crazy because I am not a big kisser.” Shocked he didn’t send her home at that very second to be honest.

The rest of the girlfriends are still sitting in the suite of the living room when Gabi walks in to drop off her 400 shopping bags and shove all her new stuff in the losers’ faces. Many of gals pretend to be supportive as they ooh and ah at her customized fragrance, designer dresses and diamond earrings. Kylee is smiling on the couch, but in her confessional is like, “I’m jealous. I can’t remember the last time a man has bought me a meal nevertheless Jimmy Choos.” and Aly is like, “All I got on my date with Zach was pushed out of an airplane, a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a yeast infection from that vineyard jacuzzi.” I mean, she didn’t say that, but it’s (probably) accurate. Once Gabi brings up the tea and crumpets, Greer starts tearing up, as expected. In her confessional she says, “That one cuts deep because I told Zach how much I love tea. It was rubbing dirt in the wound.” There’s a knock at the door and you’d think it’s another date card, but no, it’s a huge purple tulle gown for Gabi to wear during the dinner portion of their date and another card from Zach calling her his queen. Greer stomps out of the suite, upset, and I wish I could do the same.

Greer is in the hallway crying and Charity is comforting her. Shortly after Gabi comes out to get ready for her date, struggling to carry her shopping bags and dress – she essentially runs over Greer as if she’s dateless roadkill. Gabi walks past them then realizes that they are having a mental breakdown and politely asks the losers to move out of her way because, unlike them, she has somewhere to be.

Gabi meets Zach for dinner in her new gown. I find her lowkey annoying, but it seems like she and Zach have great connection. Still debating if I think it’s stronger than his connection with Kaity… I know I definitely like Kaity more. Zach says he is blown away how Gabi makes everything so fun and effortless, saying she’s “never nervous” which is “refreshing.” Kind of seems like an asshole thing to say about women who have to make out with a guy they barely know in front of 5 cameras and a full production crew, Zach. Of course they’re a bit nervous. Zach says he thought he knew the woman he fell in love with last season, but he didn’t – I personally, as someone who hasn’t watched this show in ions, would like more context. Greer starts talking about her body image issues and how Zach made her feel good just by looking at her in her dresses during her Royal Pretty Woman montage. Zach’s like, “You’re hot and I see you for you, but you’re also hot.” And Gabi gives him the breaking news that she won’t always be done up like this, sometimes she will be in sweatpants and no makeup. She says that in her last two-year relationship her BF made her insecure – she always had to be done up and keep her body tight and even that wasn’t enough. I have to ask again, where are all these women finding these a**holes?! I was on Old Town Scottsdale Tinder in 2016 and had better luck. Zach says he also had issues with body image – remember this because I will touch back on it later. Gabi tells Zach, “You make me feel seen without trying,” outside of the 10 other women he’s actively dating, that is.

Speaking of, back at the hotel, the group date card comes in for Brooklyn, Kat, Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Kylee, Jess, Mercedes, and Greer. Charity gets the other one-on-one and she’s so giddy. Aaaaaand Mercedes is crying/hyperventilating about getting another group date. Mam, have you two ever had a conversation? If so, we haven’t seen it.

Wrapping up the dinner date, Gabi tells Zach that she doesn’t want perfect – she wants honesty, genuineness and someone who is real, stating she knows “that’s a lot to ask for.” Those are actually the bare minimum things to ask for from a partner, Gabi. And lucky for you, you’re dating Zach, who is a bare minimum Bachelor. Zach gives her the rose then they walk over to a private show of UB40 playing “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” Ska-tastic.

The next more the ladies are getting ready for their group date, and Greer took her happy pills this morning and is rearing to go. Ariel is in a denim jumpsuit. Another date card randomly shows up from Zach letting them know that he has a great date planned for them, but he’s under the weather, so they will need to go on it without him. All the girls act as if they’ve taken a bullet. The ladies of the group date load onto a double decker bus for a tour of London. The weather matches their energy – gloomy, depressing and boring. The only highlight is when one of them gets him in the face with a bag pipe.

Back at the hotel, Zach self-films a video diary and says he feels, “tired and jetlagged.” Which immediately takes me back to October 2020 when I returned from a super spreader in Mexico for my friend’s thirtieth birthday party, feeling like I was hit by a bus but thinking, “Of course I feel like shit. I just drank nothing but Don Julio and Pina Coladas for three days straight.”

Returning to the group date, the girlies have finally stopped being lame about missing their collective boyfriend and decided to get lit. They enter a tavern and start chugging brewskis. God bless. The bartender asks them, “What’re you all doing here?” and they literally tell her, “We are all dating the same guy.” They then harass a member of the queen’s guard and Kat says something about Rapunzel living in Big Ben? This date was stupid but at least they got drunk.

A few hours later, the women of the group date get all done up and arrive at the cocktail hour, only to be greeted by yet another butler who gives them a note stating Zach won’t be joining them because he’s sick. My only thought is where the f*ck is Jesse Palmer? Why do we keeping having to hire all these random butlers? Jesse as host is supposed to be the butler of this show. Anyways, Kat is sobbing hysterically at this news. Kaity is also crying. Mercedes basically says the girls who have already had a one-on-one previously and have the nerve to cry during this time can get fucked because she knows she hasn’t spoken to this man since night one when she brough a pig to the mansion. Brooklyn and Greer all make a statement about being stood up and I am going to need them all to get a grip. A man who’s literally being paid to date you is not standing you up without a good reason. The group date comes back to the hotel to inform Gabi and Charity that he didn’t show up. Charity is clearly shaking in her boots because her one-on-one is supposed to be tomorrow. Also, why is Gabi still around these girls when Zach is showing symptoms? Shouldn’t she be quarantining as a precaution? Is Zach not vaxxed and she is? Every question.

The next morning, the brothel is waiting patiently to get an update about their mans. Jess says they should have, “positive thoughts only,” and then, like clockwork, Jesse finally shows up to tell them all that Zach has tested positive for COVID. Jess manifested the wrong type of positive. Mind you, Gabi is still sitting in the room next to everyone even though she was sucking Zach’s face for 18 hours when the virus was incubating in his system. At this point there’s still an hour left of this show and I am wondering how are they going to fill the rest of this time?

Charity is crying hysterically and says, “I was preparing my heart for this date.” Greer half ass says, “I’m sorry, babe,” but she’s for sure lowkey giddy he won’t be drinking more tea with anyone else. The best part is when Jesse says, “Kaity, obviously being a nurse you know how serious this is,” meanwhile, there’s 4-5 other nurses in the fucking room. I hope one of these nurses is like, “yes, I know how serious this can be, also can someone please get Gabi out of this room and test her?”

Kaity, being a nurse and knowing how serious this is, makes a care package for Zach and knocks on his hotel room door. We then have to sit through watching like 7 minutes of these cheese balls talking through a door, which is a new low even for this show. Zach is like, “it’s frustrating not being able to be with you in London…and the other ladies too I guess.” Kaity tells him she’s #sad about not getting to spend time with him and doesn’t want to lose momentum. He reassures her they have something special then we have to sit through flashbacks of every time they’ve hung out the last 4 weeks because production needs to burn up time. This show is stupid.

After the commercial break, we see Zach making an iPhone video diary – he says he’s frustrated he can’t see his girlfriends and that he has to, “figure something out.” It’s so weird, Zach, it’s not like the entire world was in this same situation 3 years ago and were able to figure it out?

Jesse comes into suite and tells the girlfriends that they’re going to have a virtual cocktail party and they are underwhelmed at best. Not only a virtual cocktail party, but also a virtual rose ceremony, because COVID or not Zach already knows which of these b*tches he does not want to join him at the next destination. Absolutely brutal. Aly is nervous because she, “communicates better in person where I can hold your hand” or give an over the pants hand j. Greer is like “I am grateful, because at least this is better than nothing.” …she will come to regret these words.

Do you know what’s worse then having to hop on a Zoom meeting for work? Having to watch 40 minutes of people dating over Zoom with their shared boyfriend of a month.

First up is Charity because she lost out on her one-on-one. Zach surprises her with Big Ben figurine because their “time had BEN cut short.” Someone on Twitter said that figurine was probably from the gift basket Kaity made for him the night before and I like to think that is fact. The rest of the girls’ discussions with him are relatively boring. The most exciting thing to happen is that Aly and Zach made out with oranges?

Then Greer enters the Zoom Room and things immediately start off on the wrong foot when she sits as far away from the iPad and Zach has to be like, “grab the iPad, you idiot.” Greer , trying to make conversation, brings up how it’s weird only seeing Zach on the FaceTime because she’s used to being able to look at herself. Zach basically tells her that she’s vain. Greer then asks how he’s feeling and he said it was touch and go for a hot minute, but feels better now. Greer says she works in sales and she had COVID at the end of the quarter so she knows what it’s like to have goal you’re trying to reach and feeling stuck because you’re sick. Zach, the piece of work that he is, replies with, “I think it’s completely different being frustrated in finding a future wife then missing a sales goal.” Greer tries to explain herself and he basically cuts her off and tells her, again, that the rona jeopardizing her stupid little career is not as big of a deal as it jeopardizing his journey to finding his wife on a show with a 7% success rate. I am not the biggest Greer fan but literally f*ck this guy. She was just trying to emphasize and he was a douche, not once but twice. Greer then cries to the other girls because her Zoom date went so poorly.

Host Jesse Palmer then meets with Zach via Zoom and compliments him on his ingenious idea to send home is girlfriends virtually. Zach’s like “You know, I wish I could be there in person to send their asses home. I think I could’ve kept them all, but production helping Kaity with my care package ate up a lot of the budget so we only have room for 8 people on the plane.” Zach then attempts to care and provoke some tears by shoving his fingers into the inner corner of his eyes. Jesse then says, “With your permission Zach, I am going to start the virtual rose ceremony.” One by one, these women are summoned by a man via video conference to pick up their rose.

Gabi already has her rose from her one-on-one, and hopefully at this point a confirmed negative COVID test. The other roses are distributed as follows:

1. Kaity
2. Charity
3. Aly
4. Kat
5. Brooklyn
6. Jess
7. Ariel

Jesse comes in frame to announce the last rose – it’s between Greer, Kylee and Mercedes.

8. Greer (and I’d like to note he said her name a little aggressively)

Mercedes and Kylee don’t even get the decency of saying goodbye to Zach via private FaceTime call – they have to get a half ass goodbye in front of everyone via TV monitor. So mortifying.

Once those losers leave the room he huddles the ladies in front of the TV monitor for a cheers, telling them he couldn’t be more confident with the remaining group.

Well that episode sucked. Here’s to better weeks to come.

Hello and welcome to your week 4 Bachelor recap. If you lack culture and do not understand the reference for the title of this blog post, please note that it is based on lyrics from Brooke Valentine’s One-Hit wonder “Girlfight” circa 2005, featuring Lil Jon and Big Boi of Outkast. I highly suggest listening to it to get properly pumped up for the underwhelming “she said vs she said” girl fight that fueled this episode.

We start this week with the remaining 14(?) girlfriends sitting in the living room of the Bachelor mansion – just absolutely spent from the pool party from hell. Genevie is still in a sling with zero explanation as to what happened, but she says, “the vibe is lighter now.” Mostly because of the pain killers, but also because that a**hole Christina is gone. Host Jesse and his massive teeth announce that this week that they are all going to the Bahamas, who’s tourism industry is ready to welcome Zach and his brothel with open arms as they’re still recovering from the detrimental impacts of the cruise ship industry being shut down during COVID as well as the Fyre Festival disaster of 2017. I’d also like to point out that they are visiting during the peak of hurricane season.

The ladies pack their bags in an hour and the next thing you know we are in the beautiful island paradise staying at the Baha Mar resort. The gaggle of women bust through the doors of their suites screaming and running in excitement, as is tradition. They also started a collective “Zach the snack,” chant on the balcony whilst overlooking the ocean – which summons a cutaway scene to Zach who is, you guessed it, showering.

The first date card appears for Kat that reads, “How deep is our love?” Kat is pumped and tells the group she’s excited for “private time” to be “intimate,” which are choice words to talk about your collective boyfriend to his room of girlfriends. Greer then starts crying in front of everyone, saying that she thought he’d want to spend time with her. At first, I was thinking, “You and everyone else, Greer. Shut up.” but then she brought up how she got the first impression rose so it’s weird that he hasn’t given her a one-on-one yet, which is actually a very good point. Why hasn’t Zach had a one-on-one with Greer yet? Perhaps because he saw the clip from week one of her referring to herself in third person? I know that’s reason enough for me to not want to hang out with her. Mercedes is also crying, which IS actually confusing because we haven’t seen her talk with Zach since she met him outside of the mansion. We also still have yet to find out what happened to the pig who accompanied her – you might’ve forgotten about Henry, Mercedes, but I have not!

For his date with Kat, Zach is sporting debatably the ugliest tropical button up shirt I’ve seen. The best way I can describe it is a light blue and black 2000s-esque pattern with palm tree, crop circles, and the Hogwarts castle. Kat says in her confessional that she’s excited to see him shirtless all day, which means 1) Sean’s plan of making Zach the most shirtless Bachelor in history is working and 2) she also thinks the shirt is fugly. Also, I just realized that Zach looks like Jimmy Tatro.

Kat and Zach are taking a catamaran ride in the stunning turquoise waters of the Bahamas. We are forced to watch a clip of them putting sunscreen on each other for, I kid you not, nearly 3 minutes. The producers were really like, “the most exciting thing to highlight about this date is literally watching sunscreen being applied and dried.” Zach in his confessional says Kat is model-level beautiful and is speculative as to why she’s here and not already wifed up. I do appreciate that Zach is very much a normal, goofy guy who doesn’t understand why anyone is into him.

It’s around this point of the date where I notice that while they’re canoodling in the front of the catamaran there are a bunch of people on the second level of the boat watching them. And it didn’t look like it was production – I think it was random families. It wasn’t in the budget to reserve a boat to themselves, so they had to join the Royal Caribbean’s excursion. Could you imagine saving your money for years to take your wife and two kids on a trip of a lifetime to cruise the Bahamas, only to find out during the snorkeling excursion that you are limited to the second floor of the boat because some dude is making out with his girlfriend #11 for national TV? I mean, I know that would make MY entire trip, but I don’t think Joe Smith the plumber from Oklahoma would appreciate it. Zach and Kat hold hands while snorkeling and Zach says in his confessional that it, “feels natural,” and they clicked so effortlessly. Zach… you don’t have to talk to people while snorkeling, there’s not much to click about – the only thing you both have to do for it to be successful is not drown.

Zach and Kat are sitting on a beach after their snorkeling adventure. Zach says, “This doesn’t feel like a first date,” and Kat agrees that, “there’s an ease with us,” which is why she felt so comfortable doing a silly dance on the boat with him. Do you know who didn’t get to do a silly dance? Joe Smith’s kids who were getting violently seasick from the lack of fresh air on the second level of the catamaran. Kat says in the past she’s had strong connections with guys then they fizzed out, but not this time, this time is different. Zach says that this one of the best first dates ever. Not as great as banging Kaity next to a TRex, but definitely better than Christina blindsiding him with the news that she had child at home after his mom’s birthday party.

Back at the hotel, there’s knock at door and the group date card arrives – “Aly, Kaity, Ariel, Davia, Genevie, Anastastia, Kylee, Mercedes, Charity, Gabi, Jess, and Greer – it’s time to turn up heat.” That means Brooklyn is getting the one-on-one, which is shocking because we haven’t seen much of the connection highlighted between Zach and Brooklyn. Even she seems shocked to be going on the date.

Moving onto dinner time with Kat and Zach. In her confessional she states that she’s worried about not coming from a “traditional background,” like he does. They sit down and Zach talks, a-f*cking-gain, about his parents being besties for the resties and absolute couple goals for him. Kat says she is jealous of people who have stable home lives, then divulges that she struggled with maintaining a relationship with her mother to the extent that she had a stint where she couldn’t live with her. Kat tells him that she wants a traditional family – a husband who doesn’t run and a good relationship with her kids. She gets emotional and says it scares her that he came from a healthy environment because how could someone like her, who didn’t have that, be worthy of love from someone like him. Zach basically tells Kat not to fret her pretty model-like head because he wants to love his partner for who they are now, not their background (except if they have a 5-year-old daughter at home and sh*tty people skills). He tells her he appreciates her bravery and she tells him that no one has ever received the information about her tumultuous family relationship with grace before. To which I asked, out loud, “Who the f*ck has Kat dated that broke up with her because she didn’t get along with her mom?” Was she trying to get into the royal family? Zach gives her the rose then says their connection is like, “Two meteors colliding and creating a star.” I am not an astronomer, nor an astrologer, but I don’t believe that’s how stars work.

At the hotel the girls are sitting in their suite and hear explosions in the distance. Aly says dryly, “Damn it, she got fireworks.” I actually lol’ed. Zach and Kat make out.

Onto the group date – they all meet Zach on a beach for some day drinking and island frivolity. After last week’s disastrous pool party where Zach found out Christina was bullying the entire house thus destroying his buzz, he wants to give having fun and getting lit with his girlfriends another shot. It’s brought up that prior to the date all the ladies called a council meeting and passed a bipartisan bill to equally share time with Zach. Good news, Genevie is inexplicably no longer in her arm sling. Bad news, Gabi is allergic to shellfish and a lot of the activities of this date involve eating and or tossing shellfish into each other’s mouths.

The ladies are in a limbo line having a grand old time, until Anastasia (who is unfortunately not wearing a power suit) stops to ask Zach for a kiss for courage before bending under the pole. All the girls are like, “Um, what?” and Zach awkwardly offers her a sympathy peck on the cheek. Already on everyone’s bad side, Anastasia decides to watch the world burn by pulling Zach aside for one-on-one time. This apparently goes against the Bahamas Peace Treaty of 2022 that the group agreed. My question is – who, what, where, when and how was time with Zach going to be dictated? Was there an agenda and/or itinerary? And if so, how do I get a copy of that? I also don’t know why they were all upset by Anastasia stealing Zach because their only topic of conversation was how they were both sweating profusely in the muggy tropical humidity. Kylee is in her strappy black bikini, looking hot and pissed off that Anastasia stole Zach away, so she decides to interrupt.

Kylee awkwardly hovers over them and is like, “Can I steal him for a sec?” and Anastasia responds, “Can I have a couple more minutes?” then Kylee just continues to stand there, lingering for a few seconds until she finally says, “No. I don’t want to fight you, Stassi babe. Just let me have him.” It gave me secondhand embarrassment from having to witness. Anastasia gives up and Kylee sits next to Zach telling him that she missed him. I’d like to note that he did not say the same to her in return. Anastasia, also known as Stassi allegedly, starts telling the other girls on the group date that Kylee tried to fight her for time with Zach and she felt threatened. The other girls ask Kylee about it, and she’s like, what the f*ck? Zach was literally right there; I did not try to fight her. This is the most insane and stupid stretch for drama I have ever seen, and I am obsessed with every second.

It’s time for the group date cocktail hour and another fugly button up shirt from Zach. This one is red with white birds – not even tropical birds, it’s covered in doves. Kaity gets to talk with Zach first, and in a turn of events Zach is asking HER for reassurance because she didn’t seem stoked on him in the group environment. He’s like, “Why didn’t you talk to me?” and Kaity had to remind him that he is in fact the Bachelor and was on a date with 10 other girls so it’s kind of hard to talk to him, and Zach is like “Oh right. Well, can we please make out now? Cause I’ve been waiting all day.” Jess’ Claire’s body glitter is back in full force. Probably inspired, like the rest of us, by Rihanna’s Super Bowl halftime performance of Diamonds. Charity and Zach chat by the pool. Is it just me or do their interactions seem sort of forced? Specifically, it feels like Charity might not be as into Zach and he’s into her. Maybe she does like him and is just a little awkward in front of the cameras.

As the group of girls hang out on the couches, Anastasia brings up the fighting comment from Kylee – she clarifies that she wasn’t intentionally telling people about it to manipulate the situation, more it was just a miscommunication. Which seems like bullsh*t, it was pretty clear that she was trying to get everyone on her side by exaggerating what Kylee said and claiming she threatened to fight her. Kylee feels that Anastasia is trying to be manipulative, so she makes the executive decision to tell Zach directly what’s going on. Historically, it has not worked out well for anyone to involve Zach with drama, so this is a bold move. Kylee spends her time with Zach telling him that she’s stressed because Anastasia took her words out of context and told all the girls she threatened to fight her. Zach laughs over this, because he was there and knew that Kylee meant it as, “I don’t want to argue with you,” not actually physically fight. To take things even further, Kylee then brings up that Charity told her that Anastasia talks about Instagram followers. Which is the reason why everyone goes on this show, but you never ever say it out loud. Zach turns very stern over this accusation because a woman being here for clout and not to just make out with him, in earnest, is not something he will stand for. Kylee bringing this up this comment from Anastasia was extremely unnecessary and messy, but from a viewer’s standpoint it’s appreciated. Zach talks to Charity who confirms that she overheard Anastasia talking about Instagram followers. Zach is pissed as once again his buzz is getting destroyed by drama. This is his nightmare. He approaches the group and says, “There might be someone here for the wrong reasons – that being said, Anastasia can you join me?” As they walk away, Ariel asks if anyone knows what he’s talking about? Charity and Kylee stay quiet, twiddling their thumbs.

Zach takes Anastasia aside and asks if she’s actually here for him because he’s heard a rumor that she is more focused on Instagram followers. Anastasia tells him that some of the girls were talking to her about brands that she works with, because she is a content marketing manager and that is her job, and she was telling them about the connections she could help them make outside of the show. This whole conversation seems vague and missing key elements – probably because production doesn’t want to break the fourth wall that outside of this Bachelor bubble there is this element of social media (even though it’s Anastasia’s job and could give context to the conversations that were overheard). Anastasia then walks back to the rest of the group without Zach. They all want to know what the discussion was about, but she keeps her lips sealed – I do not blame her because I wouldn’t trust these b*tches either. Kylee finally speaks up and tells the group that Zach asked her more information, so she told him secondhand info of the Instagram followers comment from. I rewatched the conversation between Zach and Kylee and would like to confirm that Zach DID NOT ask Kylee to divulge further information about Anastasia after they talked about the “fight” comment, Kylee did so on her own accord. At least, that’s what was shown in the clip. The comment that Charity overheard from Anastasia was something along the lines of, “14 girls left, and they will each get 50,000 followers,” and Charity is like, “Why would you say that?” Anastasia again tries to justify the conversation, but once again it feels vague and she doesn’t give enough information. I am not sure if that’s because production is cutting parts of the conversation out, or if Anastasia is bullsh*tting and can’t give a better excuse because she was actually inappropriately talking about Instagram followers like an idiot. Regardless, it feels like context and details are missing. Like, who was Anastasia talking to when she made this Instagram comment that Charity overheard? Can they give some clarification?

Ariel talks to Zach and asks how he’s feeling, because she knows that women being here for the wrong reasons is a big fear of his. He then tells her that feels a mystery with her, and she tells him to ask her any question. Shocker – he is completely stumped and can’t come up with any question to ask her. Ariel throws him a bone and lets her know that her favorite color is green. And with that, Ariel snags the group date rose.

Last but not least we have the one-on-one date with Brooklyn. She greets Zach with the traditional run and jump kiss. He says he’s picked her this date because he needs someone up for adventure. He is in yet another ugly shirt, whoever dressed this week needs to get fired. Brooklyn and Zach go ATVing through the tropical forest. Afterwards, they sit down for a talk at the beach. In my notes I wrote, “They have a romantic connection equivalent of siblings.” Zach said that he felt like the moment things clicked between them when Brooklyn set up a lasso and fake bull at the mansion a few weeks ago. Seems like a weird bonding point, but you do you, Zach. He then tells her, “I just wanna kiss you,” so they kiss then Brooklyn proceeds knuckle bump him, which further proves my theory above. They then go for a dip and make out in the ocean. Zach in his confessional quotes Shrek saying he is excited to peel back more layers at dinner.

There is a warning about content regarding domestic violence before cutting to the dinner date with Brooklyn. Zach cheers to her for being so comfortable during their date and how he’s excited to be with her. In her confessional, Brooklyn is emotional about getting to open up to Zach. He brings up the knuckle bump after their kiss earlier, and she’s like, “Boy you said you wanted a best friend. Doesn’t get more best friend than that – I will bring it.” And right then I gained a lot of respect for Brooklyn. She comes off as laidback and real, which Zach points out to her. Brooklyn says that a year ago she wasn’t this same person. Growing up her grandparents were her couple goals, because she didn’t like her dad. Unfortunately, she got into a relationship with a man like her dad, that started off emotionally abusive and eventually turned physically abusive as well. She was in a toxic relationship for 6 years, feeling like a shell of herself. Then one day she woke up, made the choice and got out. She is so strong and incredible, and I don’t know her, but I am so proud of her. I am a Brooklyn STAN now and I am happy she got this date. I want all good things for her. Zach, albeit sweating profusely, does a great job truly listening to Brooklyn and acknowledging her strength, kindness and compassion. He says he feels lucky to be sitting next to her and to be in the lightness that she brings even though she’s been through so much. He thanks her for being open and gives her the rose, telling her it means not only does he want her here another week, but he wants to continue what they have and expand on it.

It’s now time for the rose ceremony in the Baha Mar executive lounge. Davia had no time to talk to Zach during the group date, so she really needs one-on-one time tonight (seems like the Peace Treaty they agreed to before the group date didn’t favor everyone?) Things are tense coming into tonight because of the drama with Anastasia and Kylee. Zach comes into the room, makes a rant about honesty and following his heart and gut, then immediately pulls Anastasia aside. Anastasia says it hurts that her character was called into question by him from something that was relayed out of context. Zach says that he needs to investigate all claims because he’s here for love and needs to make sure people are here for the right reasons. A short time later, Zach and Anastasia walk down the stairs. As they pass the group of girls Anastasia waves says, “Bye guys,” then walks out of the room. Doesn’t give any of the girls a hug, just peaces the f*ck out. Zach walks Anastasia out to the Sprinter van where they share a cold, side hug and a “Great getting to know you,” they clearly hate each other. Inside the hotel room, Kylee is crying in front of the rest of the group, feeling guilty that she played a part in having Anastasia sent home. All the other girls back Kylee up and say that she did the right thing, so that makes me feel like her claim against Anastasia was correct/justified and everyone thought she was there for the wrong reasons. Again, I would love to know who Anastasia was talking to about the Instagram followers so we could get their side of the story because this situation is still really weird, but alas we do not.

Zach returns to the group and says that although the Instagram followers allegations did bring up a red flag, at the end of the day even outside of that he just wasn’t feeling a connection with her, so it wasn’t worth risking potential drama. And I appreciate that honesty from him! It does beg the question, why do we even have rose ceremonies if Zach is going to keep sending people home at random a few hours before?

Zach plays pool and is very flirtatious with Kat; like they are on the verge of banging it out on the pool table. It is kind of disrespectful he is spending time with her when she already has a rose/had a one-on-one date a few days ago and there are other girls at the hotel he didn’t spend any time with this week. Davia is having the same feeling as I am because she is crying. Eventually Zach comes up for air and pull his tongue out of Kat’s throat to sit down with Davia. She tells him it’s been a hard process but that every action he’s taken she’s gained more trust with him (lies). Zach tells her they, “had such a quick, fast connection,” and she interrupts saying that he used the word “had” and that worries her. She says she wants to continue to grow their connection and he says he “appreciates that,” they seal the convo with a kiss.

And just like that the cocktail party ends – Kylee didn’t get an opportunity to talk to Zach about the Anastasia situation so now she’s spiraling. She’s worries she’ll be sent home for talking sh*t, and with Zach’s track record, she should be concerned. She cries in a closet threatening to send herself home because she, “couldn’t survive standing up there through a rose ceremony and not hearing my name.” Again, these girls are way too soft for this show.

During the commercial break there was a preview for an episode of the Good Doctor… how is that show still on the air?!

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and surprise, surprise Kylee is facing the music and did not send herself home. Proud of her for not taking the easy way out. Jess says, “Each rose ceremony is getting harder because Zach is like my boyfriend.” Insert eye roll here.

Kat, Brooklyn and Ariel all have roses. The remaining roses are distributed as follows –

1. Charity
2. Kaity
3. Gabi
4. Jess
5. Mercedes ? We have never seen him talk to her…
6. Aly
7. Greer

The final rose is between Davia, Genevie, and Kylee

8. kylee

Wow. I feel like Zach kind of did Davia dirty – coming off that conversation we were just shown I thought she’d be safe. Genevie, thank you for sacrificing your arm for the cause, even though they never told us what happened to you.

Zach cheers with the remaining 11 ladies and lets them know their next stop is somewhere he has always dreamed of going to – LONDON!’

Thank you for reading. Until next week!

Hello all. Congratulations, we have made it to week 3. This episode begins with a shot of Zach taking a steamy shower, which reminds him that he needs to touch base with his buddy, Sean Lowe. Zach facetimes Sean and he asks all the important questions, “Do you like the girls? Do you think you’ve met your future wife? Have you been keeping your chest hair properly moisturized and tufted? Have you avoided talking about your near-death experience as a baby like I told you to because that’s more of a week 9 conversation?”

Back at the mansion, Host Jesse Palmer meets the 17 remaining girls in the living room. He lets them know there will be three dates this week – two one-on-ones and one group date. The first date is tonight, he drops off the envelope and it’s revealed that the first one-on-one is with Kaity. All the girls seem genuinely happy for her, and she cries tears of joy. A few hours later we are back in the living room with all the girls and Kaity is gussied up for her date. Zach walks in and sits in the middle of couch next to Kaity, surrounded by his collective group of girlfriends, and asks them all how their day was while caressing Kaity’s knee. Kaity and Zach leave for their one-on-one date.

From the previews I knew that their date was going to be in some sort of museum, and I was hoping they’re going to La Brea Tar Pits in LA, where there is a terrifying recreation of a mastodon getting trapped in a lake of tar while the baby mastodon screams in horror (I visited once when I was 10 and it’s been seared into my brain since), or the Anaheim Discovery Center. To my disappointment, it was neither and they arrived at the Natural History Museum, which probably smells better than both of my options. Zach and Kaity enter the museum and walk around – there is a massive T-Rex skeleton (fossil?) and a bunch of other prehistoric animal exhibits, all to themselves. Kaity says in an interview, “I’ve never done anything romantic in my life” and to go, “0 to 100 like this is unreal.” She feels so special and grateful. First off, if true it’s sad that no one has ever done anything romantic for her in her life. And second, she does realize Zach did not plan this right? Like, if she met him on the street their first date would be splitting pizza and beer whilst watching Thursday Night Football and him shoving his tongue down her throat because that’s all he knows.

Meanwhile at the mansion, we cut to Christina, the only other person to go on a one-on-one with Zach, womansplaining to the group that if they ever get to go on a one-on-one they will be “blown away.” Everyone seems annoyed. There’s a knock at the door and Greer says, “My fingers are crossed, my toes are crossed, and my legs, hoping that’s me on the one-on-one date.” Which did make me chuckle. It’s a group date card for everyone but Aly so that means she’ll be going on the other one-on-one. I don’t think we’ve heard a single conversation between Zach and Aly so it will be interesting to see.

Kaity and Zach sit down for dinner at the museum, and she is genuinely kind and happy to be with him. Zach is glad the feeling is mutual then shows his 7th grade excitement, his voice gets high, and he is giggling and smiling like a dork, why is it actually kind of adorable? He states, a-fucking-gain, that he wants a best friend to do the ups and downs of life with and asks her what she wants. Kaity says she knows from her past relationships she knows what she doesn’t want – her last relationship was 7 years on and off, very vulnerable, toxic and tumultuous. It made her question self-worth so in her forever relationship what she wants is to feel safe and to be someone who won’t run away when things get hard. She starts crying (and lowkey I might have cried too) then Zach leans in and tells her “I appreciate you.” She’s been through it and just wants a man to treat her right – the basics. Zach tells Kaity she deserves more than the basics, she deserves all the 5-star dates that a televised network, with large budgets and a full production staff working tirelessly, can provide. Zach then offers her the rose in the most robotic way I’ve heard, it didn’t even seem like a real sentence, “Iiii reeeally think, like, I want to further this connection with you. And, I mean, I would more than love to offer you this rose. Will you accept this rose?” There are theories in the Twitterverse that Zach is just an AI robot and this gave some weight to the theory. AI or not, Kaity happily accepts the rose.

Zach then offer Kaity to STAY THE NIGHT AT THE NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM. Kaity, a big fan of Ben Stiller’s work, immediately says, “Absolutely.” This is only the second one-on-one date, is this the earliest overnight date in Bachelor history? They walk over to a makeshift campsite in the middle of the museum complete with a tent and fire pit. Zach says, “I want her to feel like she deserves something amazing like this.” You want her to feel like she deserves to get banged in a museum 3 weeks into a show while you are still dating 16 other women? K, Zach. Not that I blame either of them – it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Imagine having a boner while surrounded by bones that are 65 million years old? (Too far – I’m sorry). They change into matching pajamas and run around in the museum, which seems like an insurance claim waiting to happen. I do genuinely feel they have fantastic chemistry and are cute together. They open the tent and there are two cots on separate sides, however, we hear audio of Kaity suggesting them to move the beds together, then kissing. End scene.

Back at the mansion, as the night gets later, the rest of Zach’s girlfriends are all questioning if Kaity will come back or not. Gabi says “The hardest part is knowing how awesome she is, I could see them together. And that’s a tough pull to swallow.” Kat (formerly known as Katherine, apparently now she can take the name Kat because other Cat and her eyebrows were cut last week) is crying.

The next morning the ladies awake to find Kaity’s luggage still in the foyer, but no Kaity. Christina is bitter because she feels she lost momentum. Kaity comes home in her silky pajamas to judgment and jealousy – we love to see it. She lets them know she is “working on no brain power” and didn’t sleep. Brooklyn says it looks like a walk of shame. Someone makes the comment Kaity had a “Fantasy Suite at the Museum,” and someone at Disney+ is currently making a storyboard for that sequel.

Zach will now have the group date on zero sleep, but when we cut to the football field, he is as chipper as ever. He tells the cameras he is, “Feeling good. Feeling high energy and up tempo.” Zach says football is a lot like love because it requires passion, hard work, and you only have to put attention towards it 5 months out of the year. The group date storms the football field to meet Zach, who lets them know they will be playing in the inaugural Bachelor Bowl. Two NFL legends – Shawn Merrimen and Antonio Gates are here to help coach. Kylee is fangirling hard; I hope she gets one of their numbers and dates one of them after she inevitably gets sent home in the next few weeks. This is going to be a full tackle football game with pads. The lucky winning team gets to go to an after party for more time to suck Zach’s face. The losers go home with sad hearts and dry lips. They all warm up and it’s revealed that Christina is a beast because she has been doing cross fit since age 11, which explains a lot about her personality. She is throwing a monster truck tire around like it’s a stuffed animal.

It’s time for the 5th Annual Bachelor Bowl, announced by Jesse Palmer and another woman named Hannah, who has allegedly announced a lot of Bachelor Nation competitions. Today’s matchup is between the Shallcrushers (a play on Zach’s last name Shallcross) and the Ballzachs (no explanation necessary). Jesse says, “They’re bold, they’re confident, they’re blue. Hence the name, the Ballzachs.” I don’t think Zach’s balls are at all blue after last night in the museum, but I will digress. First play, my girl Janastasia goes down hard. It seems like she hit her head. The Bachelor Bowl the CTE protocol is that you have to go on the sideline and have a conversation with Zach, which I believe to be more of a stimulating cognitive test than anything the NFL has in place. The Shallcrushers get the first touchdown. Gabi pees her pants during a tackle. Luckily for her, she’s on the yellow team. Christina has a “tackle” to prevent the Shallcrushers to have a TD, but it’s clearly holding. Shortly after Christina gets a touchdown for the Ballzachs. In my notes I wrote down, “Christina is a cheater and she is terrifying. “

After half time the Ballzachs get another touchdown and are up 14-7. During the last play Genevie has the chance to get a touchdown to tie, but she falls and the Ballzachs win. I don’t hold anything again Genevie for falling because, at this point, they’ve been on this “date” playing football for at least 5 hours. I would be dry heaving on the sideline begging for an IV. The yellow team is sent back to the mansion, bruised, battered and disappointed.

The blue team, Charity, Katherine/Kat, Kylee, Bailey, Christina, Ariel and Brooklyn, show up for the cocktail hour looking stunning. How did they all clean up so fast? Is it like 10 PM? I need a nap. Zach sits down with Christina, in his lap, first and she tells him that today was the first time she’s ever played on a team, which again says a lot about her personality. She voices that she’s worried that since he’s now spending more time with everyone else that their connection might fade from the forefront of his mind. Zach tells her to trust him, and that although nothing guaranteed she should feel strong in that they have a great connection. Even though she has a stepkid which isn’t ideal, she proved on the field today to have the brute strength and athletic ability that’d make her a great bearer of his own children. Then they make out.

Christina goes back to the group date where Ariel is talking about how it’s nice to win, but it sucks that those of losers don’t get time to play tonsil hockey with him. Christina says they shouldn’t feel bad, and then goes on a tangent about her one-on-one again saying that compared to this group date it was more chill and real, but “Cheers to y’all.” She sucks so bad.

Zach and Charity sit down and talk next. She says it’s hard to live with girls and hear about their connections, but she stays in her lane. She woke up this morning with peace, and desire to lay out some bitches on a football field, and she’s excited to be with him. They kiss.

Back at the mansion, Aly gets a date card and a mystery box. Kaity reads the date card out loud, “Aly, are you ready to fall in love?” In the box is a white wedding gown. This show is so weird when you think about it. Imagine having an overnight with a guy then the next day reading a card to another girl about having a date with him, probably while scent still lingers on you, and being excited for her?

Cutting back to the group date – Christina brings up the rose in the room and asks how everyone feels. Brooklyn says, “Well, everyone wants it, of course.” And Christina is like, “Well I just wanted to know, because this is my first group date and the rest of you have been on a group date already, so I don’t know how it goes. It’s different on a one-on-one.” Brooklyn’s bullshit meter cannot withstand anymore, and she calls Christina out for not shutting up about her one-on-one, “It seems malicious.” This confrontation between Christina and Brooklyn somehow triggers a need in Bailey to interrupt Kylee and Zach making out so she can get validation from him? Bailey tells Zach their initial connection was so strong (ie he immediately guilt made out with her when she stepped out of limo because he called her Balen on national television), but she can tell its regressing. Zach agrees that he’s noticed things are off. Just as he’s trying to break up with her – Ariel interrupts and Zach allows it?! He says to Bailey, “Let’s table that and reapproach later.” And Bailey is fine with it?! LOL. This show. Zach, once again giddy as can be, tells Ariel he likes her because it seems like she likes to have fun and they make out.

Meanwhile, Bailey is crying about not being heard or understood. Girlfriend, maybe when Ariel stepped in you could’ve been like “Actually, I do mind if you steal him. We are in the middle of an intense talk.” Bailey then interrupts Zach while he’s talking to a producer to get some more time with him. Bailey says, “I want to be here, but I want you to validate you like me.” The last person who did this was Madison from North Dakota and it did not go well, so it’s no surprise that Zach tells her he’s not confident they have a connection and doubts that will change, so she is sent home. Bailey hugs all of the other date patrons farewell and they are bummed she’s leaving, except Christina who says, “I know it’s sad because she’s our roommate, but it’s inevitable.”

The vibe is heavy as Zach rejoins the group date, but then he gives the rose to Charity and spirits are lifted. After Zach says his goodbyes, the ladies congratulate Charity telling her she deserves the rose and she expresses how much it means to her to get it. Then, f*cking Christina chimes in and detonates the moment by saying she’s confused she didn’t get the rose. Charity starts crying and Brooklyn and Kat once again call Christina out on her selfish bullshit, as they should. I struggle to grasp if Christina is really an intentionally malicious person, or just ignorant and self-absorbed, either way though I love to hate it. She has an uninhibited lack of self-awareness that has kept reality shows like this running for decades. Also is she drunk?

Done with that train wreck – we move on to Aly’s date, which all in all is pretty uneventful I must say. Zach is standing at an alter in a concrete lot surrounded by hanger as Aly’s limo pulls up. What we thought was a wedding dress is actually a wedding jumpsuit – so chic. He takes her hand and leads her to a small plane and asks her to go skydiving. When the date card said “fall in love” it meant fall 10,000 feet out of an airplane. She is nervous, but comes off as so cool and confident. The deep neckline of this jumpsuit does not seem conducive to jumping out of an airplane. They sky dive without a hitch nor any nip slips. After they sky dive, they have romantic hot tub time at a winery.

The second part of their date is dinner at a location that gives the vibe of the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland. During their discussion Aly brings up being type A and how she likes to be in control. She makes it clear that due to her past relationships she wants her next relationship to be a safe place where she can put herself first, but also be fully invested. It doesn’t seem like it directly aligns with Zach’s dream of RV BFF married life, but maybe that’s just my perception. Zach just keeps calling her “kick ass,” which is kind of a weird compliment. He offers her the rose, Aly accepts. They dance to a personal LIVE performance by singer Griffen Palmer. Shockingly, Aly has never dated him, which made it particularly boring. Never forget Pilot Pete taking Victoria F to a Chase Rice concert and then at dinner she had to let him know it was awkward because she in fact used to date Chase. “Chase. The singer Chase?”

Next day – Host Jesse Palmer congregates the ladies in the living room once again and says Zach does not feel like he needs a cocktail party tonight, because it’s time for a POOL PARTY BITCHES. There’s really nothing better than a drunk pool day at the mansion. Greer says, “The weather is almost as hot as me right now,” insert eye roll. Katherine/Kat leads a cheers with the ladies, “Here’s to all of us getting in a silly goofy mood and getting Zach in a silly goofy mood” Translation – silly goofy mood = let’s get f*cking lit. The day includes grilling, chicken fights, pool volleyball, and tequila shots. Ariel, and her perfect rack join a very drunk Zach in the hot tub. It is taking everything in him to listen to her talk and not just stare at Ariel’s boobs, and he is failing. To eradicate the distraction, he makes out with her. The two of them actually have a fun banter, she seems funny and sarcastic.

As Lucille Bluth once said, “Good for her.”

We cut to Briana who is, once again, having a hard day. She realizes that her connection with Zach connection just isn’t forming, probably because of that bitch Christina, and she’s on her way out. And she’s going to do it on her own terms. She sits down will a blissfully oblivious, sunburnt and wasted Zach who is just sipping on his drink without a care in the world… no idea a grenade is about to be launched…

Briana asks why at the last rose ceremony Zach said it was hard to talk to her. He responds that it just doesn’t feel real or natural. He doesn’t know if it’s because she has walls up or if it’s just not the right connection. She says that suck because she feels she is trying and is genuine, so she has decided to peace out and ruin his day while she’s at it. Briana lets him know that she feels her relationship couldn’t get off the ground because Christina made rude remarks to her the first night and that Christina also made Charity cry over the rose. She thinks that a lot of other girls feel like they can’t be comfortable in this process either because Christina’s intimidating them too. Briana says goodbye to all the girls. Zach reflects.

Sometime later, a somber and doing his very best to sober up Zach saunters up to the women who are hanging out by the pool, mourning the loss of their most recent bestie. He’s like, “Hey guys, I just ate a foot long from Subway and chugged three Gatorades, so I am ready to talk to you all about bullying. Bullying is bad, ok? And I won’t tolerate it…not in my make out mansion.” He pulls Christina aside stating that he needs to get to the bottom of this because she isn’t just any girl, she met his family AND his dogs.

Zach and Christina sit on the steps outside of the Bachelor mansion. It’s at this moment I realized that Christina looks like if Lo from The Hills and Kelsea Ballerini had a baby. Zach says it’s come to his attention that she’s made feels girl feel hurt and insecure. Christina says that her personality being loud, outgoing, and bubbly has been misconstrued and that the girls who have confronted her she has given clarification, so she thought it was done. Zach is clearly annoyed, because regardless of what she did or didn’t do, he has to put up with drama during his journey of 1000 kisses. He doesn’t have the bandwidth to talk, nevertheless manage conflict. Christina starts to cry/hyperventilate – not sure if she’s hammered, sincerely panicking or both. She says that him getting guarded with her when this is all a misunderstanding makes no sense. She begs for him to tell her how she can show him that she should stay – “Help me, help me, help me.” She is getting desperate and it’s hard to watch. At this point you can see in Zach’s eyes he is checking out – he does not want to put up with this kind of shit. She then goes into house and sobs on the stairs alone while Zach talks to Brooklyn and Charity, who relay that yes, Christina does have a big personality, but she’s also insensitive and doesn’t think before she speaks.

Host Jesse Palmer meets the remaining girls at the pool at dusk and tells them “Zach is confused and doesn’t feel like he can continue on…” insert long dramatic pause “with the pool party. You should all gather yourselves and get ready for the rose ceremony.” As the ladies’ trail inside the mansion to get ready for the rose ceremony, they ignore/practically walk over Christina who is on the floor having a breakdown. Eventually one of the girls stops to give her a hug and comfort her.

Cut to the rose ceremony where Christina is still clearly spiraling and won’t stop fidgeting and/or biting her lip.

As a reminder, Kaity, Charity and Aly already have roses. Briana and Bailey were already sent home, so there’s only one more person leaving this week.

Rose ceremony:

1. Jess
2. Gabi
3. Ariel
4. Genevie – who’s in a full-on arm sling with no explanation? I am assuming it was from the football game but why is this the first we are seeing of it. Was she even at the pool party?
5. Greer
6. Kat (fka Katherine)
7. Kylee
8. Davia
9. Janastasia
10. Brooklyn
11. Mercedes

Christina is going home, and I am truly shocking because they will usually always keep the crazy ones for the drama. Zach is bad at his job. The other girlfriends half ass hug her while “Ding dong the witch is dead,” plays in their head. Zach walks her out and Christina says she understands and that, “I hope you find your best friend.” He tells her he is sorry and that he appreciates her. She lingers with him for a few moments in the hallway, almost seems like an attempt to have him change his mind, but to no avail. She then goes to the sprinter van crying. Zach goes back inside and cheers to the ladies, closing out another rose ceremony.

Ok so quick thoughts on this Christina situation. Am I or have I been at any point a fan of Christina? No. Do I think she was annoying, insensitive and generally just a lot and it rubbed people the wrong way? Yes. Do I feel bad for her? Weirdly enough, yes. Not because she went home, but of how she went home. I think it sucks to pin it on, “You made other people feel bad about themselves so you’re not worthy being here anymore.” I think it should’ve been more of a situation that her personality was just not the right fit for what he was looking for because he’s more laidback and no fuss and doesn’t want to deal with her. As much as she sucked, I do think some of these girls need a bit more of a backbone. Imagine if he had let Tahjz in the house? She would’ve eaten these bitches alive.

That is all for week 3, everyone. Thank you for reading!

Alright, alright – back-to-back late Bachelor recaps because I am a subpar blogger. But like the CycleBar instructor said this morning, “What’s most important is that you show up, try and get better every day.” Did I end up crying on a stationary bike? Yes, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s jump into episode 2…

We start off with all the girls excitingly running into the Bachelor Mansion as if they’ve never been there before and I am confused. Weren’t they literally just there 5 hours ago when the rose ceremony wrapped up at 7 AM? Was that a different house? What is going on? I don’t have enough energy or desire to find out, so we are moving on.

Zach is shown showering and Sean Lowe, wherever he is, gets a royalty check.

Host Jesse Palmer corrals all the girlies into the living room to get the 4-1-1 on how everyone is feeling. Jesse lets them know that Zach feels strongly that his wife is in this very room. Truely some astonishing, breaking news for this program. There will be three dates this week – two group dates and a one-on-one date. The producers worked quickly to set up a second group date last minute because they saw how dull as a doorknob Zach was night one and they needed as much footage as possible.

The first group date will be with Briana, Brooklyn, Katherine, Mercedes, Bailey, Davia, Cat, Genevieve and Kylee. The date card says – “I’m looking for big, big love.” Katherine makes a comment about being excited because it’s “my first date and his first date, we are leaving the house.” Even though she literally just got to the house.

For the group date they arrive at a sound stage lot. They all scream and run into a building with a runway. “Big Energy” plays on the speakers and the rapper Latto appears on the stage. Says she’s, “Taking over the date and is look for some bad bitch energy.” Shortly after, the doors of the stage open and the Bachelor we know and loathe appears. Latto gives us the education that a lot of people think that bad bitch energy is about appearance, but it isn’t. It’s also about confidence. Here’s a picture of Latto and Zach on the date to show you how excited she was to be there –

First on the agenda is to have a dance party with Zach and his collective group of girlfriends. Bailey drops it low on him high school style and Cat hits the splits. Zach’s dance moves are as vanilla as he is, bless him.

The dance party ends, and Latto says they won’t be the only ones on this date. They need to bring in some more bad bitches. The doors open and out walks Victoria F (the ex of some of country’s finest such as Chase Rice and former Farmer Bachelor Chris Soules), Courtney (who I do not know) and Tahzjuan (who I also do not know). They’re basically like “We don’t know Zach, but we are here to help him and judge you guys because we were promised $500, a Collagen powder sponsorship, and airtime.”

This only means one thing – it’s time for a good, old-fashioned walk-off. I am trying to think of what would I do if I were in this situation what would I do on the catwalk? With one shot, one opportunity. To cease everything I ever wanted. One moment. To capture… I don’t think I would have enough time to learn the Magic Mike “Pony” dance, but if there were a pair of knee pads around, I would give it my best effort.

Cat of course came out prowling on the ground in cat ears. Seeing that she is a professional dancer I would’ve thought she’d have something a bit more impactful.

Genevie came out abs blazing and a rhythmic gymnastics ribbon (which I know of thanks to Lizzie McGuire). She gave the wand a twirl and almost choked Zach when the ribbon got wrapped around his neck.

In my notes at this point I put, “I want someone to Carrie Bradshaw face plant.”

Kylee the nurse comes out with some killer dance moves and a kiss.

Briana came out with a money gun and a chair and gave Zach a little lap dance. Everyone was very jealous she had that idea first.

After the walk out finished, Latto instructs all the girls that they need to go on stage and tell Zach (plus Latto, the random judges, and the 10 other women on this date) a time in their life when they were a real bad bitch. I should’ve made a drinking game that every time someone said bad bitch, but I think everyone would need to have their stomach pumped by this point, so it’s probably for the best. All the girls take some time to dig into their personal trauma and choose a story that will make an impact. I would tell Zach about that I am a bad bitch for having the time and patience to attempt recapping his boring season into something somewhat entertaining.

Kylee had a great story about how she has naturally curly hair and that growing up she did pageants, but it was frowned up to have naturally curly hair. She still competed with her hair as is and ended up winning the damn thing. Yass queen.

Briana talks about how she used her own money to start her beauty company.

Bailey says that her bad bitch moment is leaving Tennessee for the only “Ten I see” and I am confused. Is she really saying that she is a bad bitch for going on a reality tv show for clout and the slim possibility of a husband? Please.

Brooklyn made him take a tequila shot then kissed him. I would’ve thrown up.

None of these girls seem to have understood the assignment besides Kylee, and maybe Briana.

Despite the group giving nothing, Latto gives them all “Bad Bitch Approval” and that wraps up this portion of the date. And I am just sitting here wondering, why the hell did we have judges when there’s no winner? My girl Kylee worked her ass up there and deserves a cash prize or at the very least an extra make out session with Zach during the cocktail hour. Why did we need to waste Latto’s + these Bachelor Nation washups’ time?

Bad Bitch Judge Tahzjuan tells the cameras that these girls can’t even compete, she knows she is the baddest bitch in the room, and she is going to try to join Zach’s season. Again, I don’t know this woman, but I am welcoming of the mess.

We now move onto the after party which is at an… antique store?

Kylee says she wants to kiss Zach, “I live, eat and breathe for a make out session.” Literally me in my early twenties trolling the streets of Old Town Scottsdale. Put that quote on a doormat and sell it at Target.

Zach has personal time with Katherine, who tells him that she only dates intentionally and can see he does that too which makes it easier. I mean I personally wouldn’t peg someone contractually dating 20 other women besides you as intentionally dating, but you do you Katherine. They make out.

Briana tells the girls that it would be really special for her to get the group date rose because everyone else got their roses last week from Zach and are validated, but she got her rose from America. We then cut to a confessional of her saying that she went through a tough time the first night because she walked in unsure of her and Zach’s connection (you and literally everyone else because you all just met and/or barely met this man).

Briana and Zach then walk to have their chat at the antique show room. Zach asks how she’s doing, and she has her hands in her lap nervously. She tells him it’s been “really, really hard” and she starts crying about how coming into the mansion she didn’t have a support system and that she felt “rattled” when they spoke. Zach seems shocked and confused by this, and tbh so am I. She’s crying a lot and says to the camera during a confessional, “I felt that maybe I should’ve just gone home because maybe if I didn’t have the rose from America, Zach would care to have me stay here.” Listen, I understand being insecure and anxious, but this is seems very heavy for 2 days into this journey. That being said, I cried mid-workout this morning from an inspirational speech from my spin instructor, so who am I to judge. He validates that he’s impressed by her and that she’s here for a reason and that he doesn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or weird. She says that Brianna that was on stage at ATFR who fun, flirty and hugging him, is who she really is. Zach said he thought she also did really well on the stage today and he’s happy she’s here and they make out.

Back at the mansion the one-on-one date card has arrived and it’s going to… content creator Christina. She says she’s excited for this date so she can tell him she has a kid, because apparently she didn’t have a “stepchildren or no stepchildren” flash card during her This or That game in the stripper bus on night one.

Back at the romantic antique shop, Tahzjuan has arrived to f*ck shit up. She is so tall, so pretty and so intimidating. She also sounds just like Julia Styles. Tahzjuan struts in and interrupts Cat and Zach conversation to ask if she can steal him away for a minute.
Cat is shooketh to her core, but her botox will not let her fully emote –

Tahzj and Zach sit down, and she tells him she would be “remiss” if she didn’t pull him aside and “obviously bring the bad bitch energy and lay it out there.” She thinks he’s a great guy and she wants to throw herself into the mix. Zach is like, “That’s something new…and…interesting.” Ouch.

All the girls in the other room are fuming that this beautiful, scary Amazon woman is trying to come take their man, especially Katherine.

Zach tells Tahzj that he wants to consider all options and doesn’t want to hold off from anyone on this journey who could potentially be his future person, so he’ll have to think about it. Which felt like to me a deferred, but polite, no. Perhaps he needed to go talk to the producers and see if they could pull up some past footage of her so he can gauge if she’s his type. Can I see that footage too since I don’t know her either?

Zach walks off, then the entire group date goes to collectively confront Tahzjuan. She tells them straight up that she was here to judge the baddest bitch and none of them seemed to meet that level of bad bitchery. If I hear the term “bad bitch” again after watching this episode I will launch myself into the sun. She also says that watching the girls was “painful to watch.” Which is harsh but fair, except for Kylee, she was perfect.

The group date, including Tahzjuan, go back to the waiting room area. Tahzj can feel the tension and dares the girls to come at her. She brings up a valid point about it being a competition and they shouldn’t be so outraged, she says “You all can’t marry Zach, you do know that right? It’s going to get way harder from here.” Everyone goes quiet and Katherine is like, “Well, this is awkward.” and Tahzj is like “Is it though? I don’t feel awkward.” She is so confident and blunt, just on the cusp of being flat out rude, but I love it. I hope he keeps her around just for the drama alone. But I know that man is way too boring for that. Zach returns and asks to speak with Tahzjuan alone.

The girls on the date continue to freak out and spiral saying that if he chooses to keep her here it will go against everything he has said about being intentional and that it will “Show his character if he lets her stay.” Like what are they going to do, start a coup?

Zach comes back and lets them know that he’s yeeted Tahzj off camera and she will not be joining the house. Says “It’s just not the right time.” ? Sir, it’s night two. Didn’t Nick Viall hijack the seventh date in Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season and join? Just say that you don’t like her and/or she scares you – it’s ok to be honest. All the girls are giddy and relieved. Meanwhile, Tahzj is crying on an antique couch in the other room. She’s sad because everyone else figures it out and finds their person, but she never does. And I truly feel for her and want to give her a big hug.

Katherine gets the group date rose. Briana calls it a slap in the face.Kylee was robbed.

Now it’s time for Christina’s one-on-one date. I will relay my sentiment from week one that I am not a fan of Christina, but I am excited to see her load onto him that she has a kid. Zach pulls up in Bronco and they are off on their date. They are kissing while driving, and I know from a defensive driving course I took in 2013 that is NOT safe.

Zach discloses that his first concert was Nickelback and Christina says she “LOVES Nickelback.” Now, I myself appreciate and respect the sanctity of cock rock, and Chad Kroger and Co. are legends within the genre. However, after this comment Zach says that Christina is “free spirited and spicy,” and I just don’t feel like those are necessarily terms I would use to describe a person who loves Nickelback. Question for the reader: What’s your favorite Nickelback song? If your answer isn’t “Far Away” you are wrong.

They then load onto a helicopter and get a gorgeous view of the pollution over the LA skyline. This helicopter ride serves more of a purpose than just an opportunity to “be on cloud nine” – no, they have to travel down to Orange County so that they can attend Zach’s mom’s birthday party. I immediately think that this is going to be a dicey situation because it’s going to be hard for Christina genuinely meet his family without disclosing that she has a child. She’s nervous, and so am I.
Christina talks to Zach’s sister and cousins and they ask, “Did you know Zach was in a band?” Which we all know because Jesse Palmer told us in the first episode. It is absolutely insane to think that even in his own family that is also the most interesting piece of information they have to share about Zach. What does Zach even do for a living?

Ok, I just Googled what Zach and found out he’s only 26 (how did I miss that? He looks much older than 26), he’s a Tech Exec for Oracle (ok money) and he lives in Austin currently, but is originally from Anaheim. Did I just have a bit of an existential breakdown finding out that a Bachelor is 4 years my junior? Maybe.

Things get interesting when Zach’s mom pulls out the baby book. In Christina’s confessional she said it was hard to look at that without disclosing that she has a child she did that for as well. She says she has been waiting because she wanted to show him who she is before disclosing the part of her being a mother, which I think is strange because I feel like that would be a big part of who you are and why you’d want someone to like you, but I am also not a single mother, so what do I know.

Zach and Christina leave the party and have romantic dinner at Orange Coast Mining Co, a western-themed restaurant. Once they sit down Christina gets right into it telling Zach that she has big news and it’s that she has a 5-year-old daughter. He seems kind of taken aback for a second then remembers he’s on camera and smiles. He asks what her daughter’s name is, and she just mumbles “BlakehMeh” nervously. Even Zach doesn’t know what name she just said then it is clarified that the child’s name is Blakely May – still unclear if that is one full name or first and middle. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the name is spelt Blakeleigh Maeye. They take a big 5 second chug from their alcoholic beverages.

Zach smiles and thanks her for being honest, but he is not shy about conveying that this news scares the absolute sh*t out of him. He says that having a family is part of the future he envisions, but a stepchild introduces that timeline a lot faster than he expected (and internally hope for). It’s a whole different ballpark getting forcibly engaged with someone then breaking up with them after a 2-month long PR stunt when there’s a kid in the mix (as is Bachelor tradition). Zach tells her he’s feeling overwhelmed, and he’d be doing a disservice if he told her “We will get through this,” right now because he is trying to find his person and he is unsure in this moment if also wants that to include becoming a dad. As much as I don’t like Christina this is a difficult conversation to witness. You can tell how anxious she is and they’re both crying. It’s all very real. He ends things by saying that he was thrown off, but for the better, and he wants to get to know her more. He gives her the rose.

Now we move on to the final group date, and luckily it seems pretty chill which I am thankful for because I am exhausted after the first two. This date has a lot of girls in it that he didn’t get a chance to speak to the first night at the mansion, which makes me wonder how did he choose which girls to keep if he hadn’t spoken to them? Hotness? Credit score? Southwest Companion Pass Status?

First, Zach meets with Ariel who says she was “Really upset that she couldn’t talk with him the first night because she felt a connection coming out of the limo.” AKA she thought he was tall. She then has an activity where they write down their biggest fears in coming here. Ariel’s fear is “Being sent home without getting enough airtime, thus only getting 12,000 followers on Instagram” – Just kidding, her fear is getting her heart broken, but honestly it’s the same thing on this show. Her voice is very dead pan.
Zach’s biggest fear in being on the show is falling for someone who is not here to find a true best friend. Which is…such a bizarre answer to me. Like, imagine falling in love with someone and being like “I love you, but you are just my friend. I have enough best friends and you’re just not going to make the Myspace Top 8.” Like, has that happened to Zach before? Maybe it’s hard people to become best friends with Zach because he’s boring, so it’s like a rooted fear. And now I feel bad for him. Ariel’s other fear is not being kissed, so, he kisses her.

I hope everyone in this house understands the importance of kissing Zach. at this point. It doesn’t matter if he’s kissed literally 20 other women in the last 10 minutes – you will risk getting trench mouth or COVID. Heaven forbid any of these ladies get a cold sore or it’s going to get very messy.

Zach then sits down with Kaity who he is immediately all over. I said it in the last episode, but these two have some serious chemistry. I also need that emerald green wrap dress she is wearing. They barely say 2 words before they’re dry humping.

There’s a clip of him talking to Jan from the Office (aka Anastasia) who is once again is ssporting a blazer. Zach says she’s a “kick ass girl” and that he’d love to show her his 10-inch mounted plasma screen TV. I think I might also call her Janastasia.

Next, he meets with 23-year-old Jess, who is not wearing her Claire’s body glitter tonight. 23 is too young to be on this show. You’ve been of legal drinking age for 2 years – LIVE YOUR LIFE JESS. She then asks Zach to tell her something “unique” about him. And guys…I shit you not that his response to what is “unique” about him is that he almost died as a baby.

It’s a very touching story don’t get me wrong – he goes into how it gives him a sense of purpose, but, I feel it’s just such an intense, out of pocket answer to, “What is unique about you?” He probably originally gave the 7th grade band answer, but the producers told him that has been overused, so he was left with no other topic to turn to.

We cut to all the ladies on the group date waiting by the fire for their turn to hang with Zach and they’re all anxious messes between being worried about making the most of their time with him and everyone talking about kissing him. Charity suggests a grounding technique for the group – she tells them to “Find one thing you can taste” and Janastasia immediately blurts out “Tequila” – I am obsessed with her. Gabi says, “If you still can taste Zach’s saliva, don’t say it.”

Gabi’s plan going into her convo with Zach is wrapping “quirky, fun, here’s where I’m from, here’s where I am and deep stuff – all in one.” I am scared for this woman. She sits down with Zach and immediately goes a bit unhinged. She wants a nickname for him so she tries on the following, “Zacharieth. Zachy. Zachy Poo. Zachary.” Zach seems overwhelmed. Gabi only talks about herself the whole time, which is not surprising after hearing the game plan she mapped out. She realizes she just word vomited the whole time and is having immediate remorse.

Zach comes back to the group. It was a tough decision for him because he had some many great conversations and make outs, but he decides to give Jess the group date rose for effectively unpacking his trauma of overcoming death as a baby.

Zach leaves and Gabi is crying because she feels like her conversation wasn’t as good as everyone else’s and she wasn’t kissed, so she knows her ass might as well be grass. I’d like to shake her and say, “STOP ASKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS GABI, YOURE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF,” which is also my advice to any of these ladies. They all need to stay in their lane. Ignorance is bliss. But also, this show would be bad without everyone going a little crazy, so, carry on.

We finally come to rose ceremony night.

Zach gathers his sister wives in the foyer and does a quick debrief on what an exhausting yet fun week it was. He himself is feeling like bad bitch these days thank to Latto. Then he brings up how on their date Christina stepped up in a big way by meeting his family and everyone is shook and side eyes at this information. Christina’s like “Ummm, I didn’t tell anyone that, actually.” Awkward. Briana says she’s so shocked because she hasn’t even gotten a rose from Zach, but Christina got to meet his family.

Zach sits down with Gabi first because he wanted to check in on how she’s feeling. She says it’s hard because she feels like they’re a little behind in comparison to other connections, but she’s so excited by him and she’s grateful to be there. Zach says that he is giddy and gets butterflies with her, which is sweet, but I also think Jess said the same thing to him, word for word, during the group date. Gabi gives Zach the gift of peanut butter cups because she knows he loves them. They Lady and the Tramp a peanut butter cup – it goes about as well as you could imagine. Then they end up making out he puts his hands on her face which is a good sign. “I can still taste the peanut butter cup.”

Cue a montage of clips showing Zach kissing literally everyone with Briana being mopey about getting America’s first impression rose. She says it bothers her to see him connecting with others, specifically Christina, because on the first night she immediately went up to Briana and was like, “Oh you have a rose and dress with roses. This is rigged. Jk You look beautiful, and I hate you.” To Briana it felt like a slap in the face and didn’t realize how much it hurt her until now.

Ok. Going to take a deep breath and give my thoughts on this. Do I like Christina? No. Do I think that how Christina approached Briana the first night was rude/bitchy? Absolutely. But do I think Briana is taking this whole thing way too far to the point she’s getting in her own way? Yes. She is sucking the energy out of every scene by just being so “Woe is me.” What did Latto tell you, Briana? Be CONFIDENT!

Then Briana sits down with Christina and tells her that her words hurt her and made the environment not feel safe. Christina says she doesn’t remember saying that, but she’s sorry that she hurt her or made her feel uncomfortable. Briana responds with “I am choosing to believe you don’t remember. I am choosing to believe there was no malicious intent. To be friends, I am going to see some action.” I am happy Briana called out Christina, but what does being friends have to do with anything? Why would you want to even the idea of being friends with Christina? She sucks. I genuinely think that Christina doesn’t remember saying what she said because she says bitchy insensitive things to people all the time and just thinks it’s friendly banter. This whole thing is so stupid.

And as if we haven’t beat this dead horse enough, Briana then takes her sit-down time with Zach to tell him, again, that it was hard for her that first night because she had gotten America’s rose. This time she adds it’s also because of the negativity from other people in the mansion due to the rose. I want to pull my hair out at this point. She tells him one person made her uncomfortable and asks if he’d want to know who or not, and that she understands if he doesn’t want to know, but it’s also important for her to be heard, which felt baity to me. Zach says if he needs to know she can tell him, but if it’s already been handled by the parties involved, he’d rather not get involved because he doesn’t like drama. Briana drops it, but not without also adding that the person said “I hate you, JK” which made her nervous. My chest is so tight from this interaction. Zach tells Briana that it feels like she has a lot of walls up and he feels they haven’t had any fun together because every discussion has been serious. THANK YOU, ZACH, BECAUSE THE SENTIMENT IS MUTUAL FOR ALL VIEWERS. He asks if he’s doing something wrong. Briana reassures him he’s not. In her confessional she voices frustration that Christina put a wrench in her time with him?! Girl, YOU threw a wrench in your own time with him by bringing this up. And now I have to chew an aspirin to keep myself from going into cardiac arrest.

Zach goes into the living room where all the ladies are now convened and says “Alright I’ll see you guys later in the execution room” then throws up a peace sign.

We enter to rose ceremony where Briana is still sulking. She is asking herself “Why is my connection not strong with him?” because you only talk about your insecurities when you are with him Briana! This man has the emotional capacity of a goldfish, it’s not that hard to connect with him! Just bring him a snack, ask how he is feeling then shove your tongue down his throat and you are good to go!

As a reminder, Christina, Jess and Katherine already have roses. The ceremony roses are distributed:

1. Brooklyn
2. Genevie
3. Greer
4. Aly
5. Charity
6. Kaity
7. Gabi, who I am sure can still taste the Reese’s
8. Ariel
9. Janastasia from The Office
10. Kylee
11. Davia … have we heard her speak once?
12. Mercedes, also haven’t heard her speak. Also, also still have no answers on the whereabouts of her pig, Henry
13. Bailey

The final rose is between Cat, Briana, Kimberly or Victoria. It’s very tense, especially Cat’s eyebrows.

14. Briana

Alright folks, that’s it for episode 2. What a doozy. My biggest take away is that I am never listening to “Big Energy” by Latto ever again.
Until next time!